Dear fellow PFB’ers,
Below is a fictional letter that I would love to see U.S. President Obama write to the head Baboon-in-Chief of the Banana Republic of the Philthippines. While there are varying opinions on President Obama and the current major political party candidates for the upcoming Presidential election, I would like to kindly ask all to refrain from getting into arguments on Obama, Trump, Clinton, or american politics in general. This forum is for the issues related to the Land of Imbeciles, so please keep it that way.
To the honorable(?) Rodrigo Duterte,
Greetings from the First World! As leader of the most powerful nation in the world, I felt it appropriate to address some of the comments you recently made, address some of the issues you have, over in what your people refer to as “The Pearl of the Orient,” and inform you of actions that will be taken as a result of those comments and actions. I’m so sorry I did not have a chance to meet you recently; I was actually looking forward to seeing you face-to-face, but I’m afraid that I needed that time to meet with leaders of more civilized nations—countries that still have a regard for human rights and are willing to listen to others.
You really are a “colorful guy”! Not only that, but I understand that you are very popular in your country. I guess, even after 20 years of Ferdinand Marcos’ dictatorship, and the theft of billions of dollars from your country to satisfy the materialistic desires of Imelda Marcos (not the least of which were thousands of pairs of shoes), fascism is still in vogue in the Philippines! That reminds me of a quote from one of our Founding Fathers, Thomas Jefferson, “The government you elect is the government you deserve.” Oh, how true!
Based on the things you have said, I thought long and hard about how to handle this matter, and even though I was deeply hurt when you called my mother a dog (given the fact that your people love to brag about how you are the “third largest English speaking nation in the world”, I trust you are aware that, by calling me a “Son of a bitch”, you are, in essence, implying my mother is a “bitch”, which is the English word for a female dog), I am a statesman and a gentleman, so I am wise enough not to stoop to your level by calling you vulgar words that accurately describe filipinos.
Notwithstanding your sophomoric diatribes, I have deep concerns about things that are going on in your country, how they are clear violations of human rights, and as President of the United States, I must take actions that will protect the interests of our great nation and the american people, and, to a lesser extent, the world in general. So I called a meeting of my closest advisers, who in turn did exhaustive research about your country, your culture, your people, and you in particular, and based on their findings and recommendations, here are my plans:
- I am about to sign an Executive Order which will immediately revoke the visas of all Philippine Nationals visiting or residing in the United States. Those people will be ordered to immediately report to designated transportation centers in New York City and Los Angeles. We will be contracting with major Asian-based shipping companies to load your people into empty container ships which will transport them to the Port of Manila. Given the fact that your people are accustomed to traveling in jeepneys—undoubtedly some of the most dangerous public transportation vehicles ever built—I’m sure that sitting in a container for several weeks, while crossing the Pacific Ocean, will not be a bother to them. Of course, we will provide for their needs, which will include 2 kilos of rice and a case of purified water for each passenger, and—for each of the men—two cases of Red Horse and two cartons of Marlboros. I initially suggested that each man also be issued a box of condoms, given the fact that your people have a tendency to multiply like rabbits, but I learned from one of my advisers that your people will not use them because they are afraid they will go to hell if they wear them during their breeding rituals.
- Initially, because of the large numbers of filipinos and filipinas who work in U.S. hospitals, I was concerned that the immediate loss of so many of them will cause problems with our nation’s healthcare system, but my advisers informed me that they interviewed many non-filipino hospital workers and they all said that the filipinos & filipinas they work with are extremely lazy and have no work ethic, so the loss of your people will not make a difference.
- As for filipinos and filipinas who became naturalized U.S. citizens, and adult children of american fathers and filipina mothers who live in the U.S., each of them will be required to take a specially-prepared “pride test” to determine their level of pride. If their pride levels are determined to be equal to the pride level of the average filipino/a, their U.S. citizenship will be revoked, and off to the cargo ships they will go.
- I made the decision to take those above actions because I learned from my advisers that “You can take the flip out of the Philippines but you can’t take the Philippines out of the flip,” and we have grave concerns that your people might start shooting alleged drug users and drug dealers here in the U.S. before they are given due process as prescribed by the U.S. Constitution, and such “extra-judicial” killings are—as you are too prideful to realize—a violation of human rights. Moreover, my advisers learned that, since filipinas marry american men only for their money and a free ticket to live in the U.S., many of them, once their spousal visas become permanent “green cards” after two years, they drag their husbands to Divorce Court and sue them for everything they have. Therefore, it will be much safer for the civilized people in america if all filipinos & filipinas were kicked out and sent back to where they came from.
- Additionally, I learned from my advisers that your people have what is referred to as a “crab mentality”, and billions of dollars are siphoned off from the american economy and remitted back to lazy, non-working parasites in your country, which means there is less money circulating in the american economy, causing indirect harm to our people and businesses (obviously the “crab mentality” at work, with our people being the victims). Therefore, I am also going to sign an Executive Order which will immediately halt the remittance of any and all monetary funds from the United States to your country, and also immediately halt the shipment of “balikbayan” boxes from the United States to your country. We have a lot of poor people in the United States, and they would be much more appreciative of charitable support than your people are.
- Moreover, I will sign an Executive Order placing an immediate travel ban on U.S. Citizens from entering your country. That will include all missionaries and humanitarian workers (my advisers informed me that the work that those missionaries and humanitarian workers had done in your country was all done in vain because your people are too prideful to change), as well as middle-aged men who are looking for “Asian beauties”. Many of those desperate-for-love men—especially those who have been in internet romances with filipinas—will likely be upset at first, but it will be for their own good. Over the years, countless numbers of men from the Western World have been bilked out of their life savings by conniving filipinas (which was the main reason those girls got involved with them in the first place), and many of them—who had made the mistake of marrying one and living there, have even been killed for their insurance money. Because you have basically declared “Open Season” on anyone that one suspects of being a drug user or drug dealer, one of my concerns is that the filipina wives/girlfriends of american expats will arrange to have them killed, then have drugs planted on their bodies, so they will get their insurance money and inheritance, and not face prosecution for the murder. Also, this travel ban will be good for our citizens since they will not need to worry about bullet scams, immigration scams, or having to languish in Philippine jails for years on end because of false rape (or other) charges. As for these desperate-for-love men, I plan on creating a government matchmaking agency that will match them up with Asian beauties from more civilized nations such as China, Taiwan, Vietnam, Thailand, Myanmar, Cambodia, and Laos.
- Another Executive Order that will be signed will be to remove all U.S. military presence from your country. We have trustworthy friends in neighboring countries such as Taiwan, Vietnam, Malaysia, and Indonesia, and they would love for us to establish bases in those respective countries. They have promised us that their people will not charge our american military personnel 10 times more money than they charge their own people for goods and services when they travel off-base, and they promised not to send ladyboy prostitutes instead of true female prostitutes for any military personnel who are in need of “comfort services.”
- I also thought long and hard about your statement that the Philippines is a “sovereign nation.” Now, sir, being that you are presumed to be fluent in English, you should know that one of the definitions of “sovereign” is “acting or done independently without outside influence”. Therefore, it seems to me that you and your nation want to be “left alone” without “outside influence”, and after much consultation with my top advisers, I think that it would be a good idea. So given the fact that you want to be “sovereign”, the United States will bring a formal proposal with the United Nations to immediately revoke your membership in the U.N. This will be done partly because killing alleged drug users and alleged drug dealers without due process of law constitutes a violation of the United Nations Declaration of Human Rights. Moreover, the ritual sexual mutilation of young boys in your country (which you refer to as “tuli”), is a clear violation Principals 1, 2, 8, 9, and 10 of the United Nations Declaration of the Rights of the Child.
- Additionally, since you wish to be “sovereign”, orders will be given to the ICAO (Intercontinental Aviation Organization) to immediately halt all flights to and from your country, and the International Maritime Organization to halt all ships—both passenger and cargo—to and from your country. Based on what has been written in social media by your people, your country excels in all fields including science, technology, and medicine (and it was brought to my attention that the famous “German cut” form of circumcision was invented by one of your doctors—WOW, your people are so talented!), so you would be more than capable of taking care of yourselves, and there is therefore no need for any of your people to ever leave your country, there is therefore no need for you to engage in trade with other countries, and there is therefore no need for your country to receive any financial or material assistance from the civilized world. I understand that your country does not have many oil and gas reserves, but I trust that the many technological and scientific geniuses you have in your country will find a way to create energy out of trash, and based on what my advisers told me, you have enough trash in your country to satisfy your energy needs for the next 2000 years.
- All communications between your country and the rest of the world will be cut off. This will likely be the hardest for your people to cope with, because nearly all of you thrive on what you post, and what is posted by others, on Facebook, Twitter, etc. It may be hard for your people to accept the fact that they can no longer go on Facebook and publish selfies of themselves wearing their boss’ wife’s designer clothes without her permission, or pictures of half-eaten Jollibee meals, or videos of their son’s ritual genital mutilation to show the world that he had “become a man”, but I must inform you that nobody in the civilized world ever cared about that stuff, anyway. But I again refer to your peoples’ claims that you excel in technology, so I’m sure you will be able to create your own forms of social media in an effort to bolster your empty “pinoy pride” amongst each other.
- Finally, as for the issue regarding China and the Spratly Islands, since you are a “sovereign nation”, and therefore the “master of your destiny,” you can go and do whatever you want. Sure, go to war against the country with the largest army in the world—I’m sure the Chinese would gladly look forward to it. Not enough firepower? Just start collecting the many guns that are used in the thousands of extra-judicial killings going on nationwide (and one of my advisers informed me that the Amputuan family in Maguindinao Province has a huge arsenal that was used to massacre over 50 people in 2009). Not enough soldiers? Gosh, with a country of 100+ million, just go into the slums and start recruiting volunteers! Give each one a case of Fighter Wine and a case of Colt 45 malt liquor (“A strong beer for real men”, as it is claimed in advertisements over there), then tell them that the Chinese soldiers are “supot” (uncircumcised) and wish to invade the country and stop all cockfighting games. That alone should cause each pinoy to fly into a murderous rage! And as an added bonus, offer each one who kills a Chinese soldier a bottle of Rugby glue as a reward! Just don’t expect us to give you money to help you rebuild after you get leveled by China, for after they are finished with you, your country will probably look better than it does at the moment
In closing, sir, based on what I know about your country, your culture, and your people, I am sure that this letter—which will be circulated around the world—may cause a wounding of your “pride”, and it may even cause you to “lose face” somewhat, so I am concerned that, like the typical filipino/a, you will react in thoughtless, immature ways. You may even declare war against the United States and try to invade, but in response to that, I would like to quote a line from one of the most famous american actors in one of the most popular movies from the early 1980’s:
“Go ahead, make my day!”
Just don’t expect our country to give you money to rebuild after our military wipes it off the map.
Barack H. Obama, President of the United States