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Toto, I don't Think We're in Kansas Anymore.

Apr 30 | By Mike | Views: 483 | Comments: 1
   So here I am awake since 4am and watching the sun come up when a scene from "Unforgiven" comes to mind. You know the scene where English Bob goes to Big Whiskey and runs into Little Bill and says "Little Bill, I thought you were dead." and Little Bill replies "So did I until I woke up and found I was in Big Whiskey." I'm sure we all can relate to Little Bill. Reflecting back on the movie i does have a lot in common with the Philippines if we think about it a little bit.
1.) Big Whiskey has a bully (Little Bill) running it and the Philippines has Little Duterte running it.
2.) Little Bills house is poorly build. The same with most houses in the Philippines.
3.) No one does anything to improve Big Whiskey and it stays a 3rd class town.
4.) Only thing to do in Big Whiskey is hang out at the bar. In the Philippines it's videoke bars.
5.) Little Bill was above the law and Little Duterte is above the law.
6.) Most in Big Whiskey are uneducated.
I could go on but you get the idea. So now on with the article.

So I'm sitting in my man cave when I hear this barking sound inside the house so I get up to investigate since I know for a fact I don't live in Sea World and do not own a pet seal. There it goes again, coming from mother in laws room. I peek in and there sits mother in law but no seal, the search continues. There goes the "bark" again and yes this time it did come from mother in laws room so I look in again and still not seal. What is the sound you ask? Well seems that every time mother in law has to burp (several times a day) she has to make it as loud as she can. Beginning to think she swallows air to make it loud like we use to do as kids. But we grew out of that and some people never grow up at all. I was going to send for Al and have him deal with the seal as I know he misses going seal clubbing. But that is out of the question so I'm considering getting her a job at a light house as a fog horn.
Wife went to Manila and took son and the British so he could go into the British embassy. While there wife also met with a buyer of our house up there and finished the deal. Me, I stayed at the house in the Visayas and enjoyed the peace and quiet when I got a phone call from wife. " Where can I take Nog so he can have some fun?" At this point I suggested Snow Village and passed her the information but before she hangs up warn them not to eat yellow snow. Wife gets her brother and 3 nephews and nieces and off they go to Snow Village and have a ball. Son gets back and telling that he went sledding, had snow ball fights and played in the snow and how much fun it was.

      He did say it was could and they had to rent a jacket and gloves and buy ear muffs (P150). This reminded of the camping up in the mountains of Bagiuo I read a few years back. Seems the filipino authorities will not let you go up to camp unless you are equipped with "cold weather" gear. So here we have people who know nothing about cold winters telling people from cold climates how to keep warm in what might be 50 degrees F at the lowest point. Guess I learned nothing living all those years in winters that were often -20 and 2,3 foot of snow and blizzards.
AHHHHH STORAGE!!! No, more like where to store it. After living in the Philippines for a number of years now I have learned a few things that I never would have figured out in the states. For example I never knew that the power cord for the window A/C was actually a clothes rod for hanging clothes and the A/C is just an extra thrown in with the power cord, I mean clothes rod. Still need more storage room? Ok, put your clothes on hangers and then hang them on the inside door knobs as the door is there only to support the door knob which is there to support clothes. Go ahead and put as many on the knob as you can. The proper way is to have so many on it that you cannot grab or turn the knob without first removing the clothes, open door, replace clothes.

        But don't open the door too much. Reason for that is because you are suppose to store stuff behind the door so it only opens half way at the max. What, you still need more storage room? Ok, you go to SM mall and buy a P40,000 tread mill that you will use 2 times a day. After about 3 days you stop using it and start to store stuff on it. But don't forget the car now. Be sure to take out the useless things like the 4 way lug wrench, the jumper cables so you have more room to store water bottles that have been half finished. But remember, no matter how full something is there is always room for more.

Yes, it's that time of the year again as it is all the time of the year. BLACKOUT SEASON. Yes it happened yet again, the electric went out. I understand that substations have to be shut down for maintenance  but I never understand the failed logic. First the electric is turned off say at 6 am for "routine maintenance" and back on 8 hours later. What happens? at  10 am after the electric has been out for 4 hours the electric company announces that they will shut off electric at 6 am. Now I don't know about UK, Australia and such but electric rarely goes out in the states.  If it does it's because lightening hit a transformer or a car had an electric pole jump out in front of it.

        But another part of the logic that fails is the cross over on the electric grid. Why is it that the electric companies in the Philippines do not have overlapping stations? If one station is shut down for repairs then electric is channeled through a different station to keep the power on? It's like the city where I live now. They pushed the houses back so they could widen both side of the road, add a lane each way but stupidity still struck. Yes they moved the houses back as I said but on one side they left the electric poles and just poured the new lane around the poles instead of moving them  back with the houses. Yes, a long line of poles right in the middle of the new lane.

"Not a right angle in the whole house." What a deputy said about Little Bills' house in "Unforgiven". Once again a problem with the doors in the house we are in. One door you shut it and space so big that it won't latch shut so I took some cardboard, took the jam off and raised the jam so now it latches. But don't worry about locking yourself out as all you have to do is jiggle the knob to the left and it opens. The door to other bedroom, well when shut and lights off inside you can read a book by the light coming in on the knob side.

           Then there are "the windows". Yes this house has sliding windows and sliding screens on runners, single pane. Ok, you all are saying "Buuuttttt" and your right. Open or close a bedroom door and the windows shake and rattle. If not that they stick or hard to slide yet still rattle when a door is opened or closed. The screens? Same way except for the rattle. Won't stay on the rail, hard to slide and so forth so I suspect they did not get the windows installed level in any direction. Odd since the owner seems somewhat fussy. So here's her story as I know it.

           When we moved in the pinay owner was down in Australia and came back a few days after we moved in and the tale started. She said she goes to Australia for 3 months every year to be with her partner an Aussie bloke. Says she serves him breakfast everyday in bed, pampers him and so forth for the entire time. So about a month and a half ago she comes over to see if everything ok and that she has to go to Manila. Turns out she had an annulment hearing to attend to yet never mentioned the Aussie bloke after that first day. So Aussie bloke bought her two houses and as soon as they are paid or she beats feet to Manila to file annulment on him. Did I mention that all this time she has a live in pinoy "driver"?

The other day my son ask to go swimming and off we go to the subdivision pool just down the road. About 100 yards from house there stands a pinoy pissing on an electric pole and across the street standing in the street is another pinoy pissing on a car. Guess since they can't be potty trained one has to settle for house breaking.

      It's like the driver wife uses at times. He will sit in the living room within a 15 ft walk of a toilet and what does he do? Gets up and walks 10 foot to the front door, turns right and walks another 10 foot to the carport. He walks another 15 foot through the carport and pisses on the outside wall of the cr he was 15 foot away from to begin with. Yes, this is the same driver who will not turn the headlights on or the wipers.

Most of you know my mother in law of an advanced age stays with us. Except for the pet seal she keeps in her room is not a problem most of the time. As some of you know we also have a British man of advanced age staying with us who got swindled out of everything by his pinay wife. How does this fit in with mother in law? Not the way you are thinking but firt a little background. Mother in law always had the habit of changing her clothes with the door open. Yes, walk past her room and there sits a hunched backed 80 year old with (.) (.) s sagging down to her knees. Then there was going to take a crap or piss and sitting on toilet with door wide open. I always struggled with how to fix this problem and as always to no avail, nothing worked.

   Enter the British. Now since he has shown up mother in law shuts her door when changing or going to the cr so problem solved right? Well yes it is with mother in law. The wife deciding to help the British kind of caught us off guard. First because the British and wife talked and decided for him to stay with us until his finances were straight THEN ask me if it was ok. So what we have now is a bed set up for him behind our china cabinet in what would be the dining room as no where else to put him. Now to go to the CRs or the bedrooms you have to pass his bed. Now it is the British who leaves the CR door open when crapping or pissing. Then if walk past his bed he will be changing his clothes and there he sits naked from the waist down for all to see. It goes without saying that soon as he can afford it wife will set him up in his own place and arrange for stay in help. Or I could just get him a ticket and send him down to Sarah.

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DingDong
Apr 30
Spot on Mike! - I have just been to have 'Lunch' with our Vet! - But I didn't eat anything! Typical Vet's house - Puppies and Kittens everywhere, and so was their Shit! Having met people who he called 'Relatives' and the 'House-Staff' I expected someone to start playing 'Dueling Banjos!' - It was more like 'Deliverance' than 'Unforgiven!' Ironically, when I drove out, I noticed a school named 'Deliverance School!' Next to it, was an Elementary School called 'Prince of Peace!' - From now on that will always register as the 'Price of Darkness School!' On the old Website, I posted a Photograph of the 'Meat and Balls' Sari Sari Store! - Deliverance School, and the Prince of Darkness School are on the same road! - Evidently, a 'Very Shallow Gene Pool!'Spot on Mike! - I have just been to have 'Lunch' with our Vet! - But I didn't eat anything! Typical Vet's house - Puppies and Kittens everywhere, and so was their Shit! Having met people who he called...See more
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