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Mike's blog

   So here I am awake since 4am and watching the sun come up when a scene from "Unforgiven" comes to mind. You know the scene where English Bob goes to Big Whiskey and runs into Little Bill and says "Little Bill, I thought you were dead." and Little Bill replies "So did I until I woke up and found I was in Big Whiskey." I'm sure we all can relate to Little Bill. Reflecting back on the movie i does have a lot in common with the Philippines if we think about it a little bit.
1.) Big Whiskey has a bully (Little Bill) running it and the Philippines has Little Duterte running it.
2.) Little Bills house is poorly build. The same with most houses in the Philippines.
3.) No one does anything to improve Big Whiskey and it stays a 3rd class town.
4.) Only thing to do in Big Whiskey is hang out at the bar. In the Philippines it's videoke bars.
5.) Little Bill was above the law and Little Duterte is above the law.
6.) Most in Big Whiskey are uneducated.
I could go on but you get the idea. So now on with the article.

So I'm sitting in my man cave when I hear this barking sound inside the house so I get up to investigate since I know for a fact I don't live in Sea World and do not own a pet seal. There it goes again, coming from mother in laws room. I peek in and there sits mother in law but no seal, the search continues. There goes the "bark" again and yes this time it did come from mother in laws room so I look in again and still not seal. What is the sound you ask? Well seems that every time mother in law has to burp (several times a day) she has to make it as loud as she can. Beginning to think she swallows air to make it loud like we use to do as kids. But we grew out of that and some people never grow up at all. I was going to send for Al and have him deal with the seal as I know he misses going seal clubbing. But that is out of the question so I'm considering getting her a job at a light house as a fog horn.
Wife went to Manila and took son and the British so he could go into the British embassy. While there wife also met with a buyer of our house up there and finished the deal. Me, I stayed at the house in the Visayas and enjoyed the peace and quiet when I got a phone call from wife. " Where can I take Nog so he can have some fun?" At this point I suggested Snow Village and passed her the information but before she hangs up warn them not to eat yellow snow. Wife gets her brother and 3 nephews and nieces and off they go to Snow Village and have a ball. Son gets back and telling that he went sledding, had snow ball fights and played in the snow and how much fun it was.

      He did say it was could and they had to rent a jacket and gloves and buy ear muffs (P150). This reminded of the camping up in the mountains of Bagiuo I read a few years back. Seems the filipino authorities will not let you go up to camp unless you are equipped with "cold weather" gear. So here we have people who know nothing about cold winters telling people from cold climates how to keep warm in what might be 50 degrees F at the lowest point. Guess I learned nothing living all those years in winters that were often -20 and 2,3 foot of snow and blizzards.
AHHHHH STORAGE!!! No, more like where to store it. After living in the Philippines for a number of years now I have learned a few things that I never would have figured out in the states. For example I never knew that the power cord for the window A/C was actually a clothes rod for hanging clothes and the A/C is just an extra thrown in with the power cord, I mean clothes rod. Still need more storage room? Ok, put your clothes on hangers and then hang them on the inside door knobs as the door is there only to support the door knob which is there to support clothes. Go ahead and put as many on the knob as you can. The proper way is to have so many on it that you cannot grab or turn the knob without first removing the clothes, open door, replace clothes.

        But don't open the door too much. Reason for that is because you are suppose to store stuff behind the door so it only opens half way at the max. What, you still need more storage room? Ok, you go to SM mall and buy a P40,000 tread mill that you will use 2 times a day. After about 3 days you stop using it and start to store stuff on it. But don't forget the car now. Be sure to take out the useless things like the 4 way lug wrench, the jumper cables so you have more room to store water bottles that have been half finished. But remember, no matter how full something is there is always room for more.

Yes, it's that time of the year again as it is all the time of the year. BLACKOUT SEASON. Yes it happened yet again, the electric went out. I understand that substations have to be shut down for maintenance  but I never understand the failed logic. First the electric is turned off say at 6 am for "routine maintenance" and back on 8 hours later. What happens? at  10 am after the electric has been out for 4 hours the electric company announces that they will shut off electric at 6 am. Now I don't know about UK, Australia and such but electric rarely goes out in the states.  If it does it's because lightening hit a transformer or a car had an electric pole jump out in front of it.

        But another part of the logic that fails is the cross over on the electric grid. Why is it that the electric companies in the Philippines do not have overlapping stations? If one station is shut down for repairs then electric is channeled through a different station to keep the power on? It's like the city where I live now. They pushed the houses back so they could widen both side of the road, add a lane each way but stupidity still struck. Yes they moved the houses back as I said but on one side they left the electric poles and just poured the new lane around the poles instead of moving them  back with the houses. Yes, a long line of poles right in the middle of the new lane.

"Not a right angle in the whole house." What a deputy said about Little Bills' house in "Unforgiven". Once again a problem with the doors in the house we are in. One door you shut it and space so big that it won't latch shut so I took some cardboard, took the jam off and raised the jam so now it latches. But don't worry about locking yourself out as all you have to do is jiggle the knob to the left and it opens. The door to other bedroom, well when shut and lights off inside you can read a book by the light coming in on the knob side.

           Then there are "the windows". Yes this house has sliding windows and sliding screens on runners, single pane. Ok, you all are saying "Buuuttttt" and your right. Open or close a bedroom door and the windows shake and rattle. If not that they stick or hard to slide yet still rattle when a door is opened or closed. The screens? Same way except for the rattle. Won't stay on the rail, hard to slide and so forth so I suspect they did not get the windows installed level in any direction. Odd since the owner seems somewhat fussy. So here's her story as I know it.

           When we moved in the pinay owner was down in Australia and came back a few days after we moved in and the tale started. She said she goes to Australia for 3 months every year to be with her partner an Aussie bloke. Says she serves him breakfast everyday in bed, pampers him and so forth for the entire time. So about a month and a half ago she comes over to see if everything ok and that she has to go to Manila. Turns out she had an annulment hearing to attend to yet never mentioned the Aussie bloke after that first day. So Aussie bloke bought her two houses and as soon as they are paid or she beats feet to Manila to file annulment on him. Did I mention that all this time she has a live in pinoy "driver"?

The other day my son ask to go swimming and off we go to the subdivision pool just down the road. About 100 yards from house there stands a pinoy pissing on an electric pole and across the street standing in the street is another pinoy pissing on a car. Guess since they can't be potty trained one has to settle for house breaking.

      It's like the driver wife uses at times. He will sit in the living room within a 15 ft walk of a toilet and what does he do? Gets up and walks 10 foot to the front door, turns right and walks another 10 foot to the carport. He walks another 15 foot through the carport and pisses on the outside wall of the cr he was 15 foot away from to begin with. Yes, this is the same driver who will not turn the headlights on or the wipers.

Most of you know my mother in law of an advanced age stays with us. Except for the pet seal she keeps in her room is not a problem most of the time. As some of you know we also have a British man of advanced age staying with us who got swindled out of everything by his pinay wife. How does this fit in with mother in law? Not the way you are thinking but firt a little background. Mother in law always had the habit of changing her clothes with the door open. Yes, walk past her room and there sits a hunched backed 80 year old with (.) (.) s sagging down to her knees. Then there was going to take a crap or piss and sitting on toilet with door wide open. I always struggled with how to fix this problem and as always to no avail, nothing worked.

   Enter the British. Now since he has shown up mother in law shuts her door when changing or going to the cr so problem solved right? Well yes it is with mother in law. The wife deciding to help the British kind of caught us off guard. First because the British and wife talked and decided for him to stay with us until his finances were straight THEN ask me if it was ok. So what we have now is a bed set up for him behind our china cabinet in what would be the dining room as no where else to put him. Now to go to the CRs or the bedrooms you have to pass his bed. Now it is the British who leaves the CR door open when crapping or pissing. Then if walk past his bed he will be changing his clothes and there he sits naked from the waist down for all to see. It goes without saying that soon as he can afford it wife will set him up in his own place and arrange for stay in help. Or I could just get him a ticket and send him down to Sarah.

    Time for another rant ready? Well our new house has a dirty kitchen about 30 foot long and about 7 foot wide. There are 3 lights about 10 foot apart which are bright, one right above the stove. So why is it that any time they go to cook they have to turn on all three lights and when they are done they go back in and leave all three on? Several times I have mentioned this to no avail as we all know filipinos are never wrong. So the other day they did it again and I do what I do best. If talking fails then action. Out the back door I go and take out the two bulbs furthermost from the stove.
Just what else was there to do? I mean if I have the fan on and it's not pointing right on me then I'm accused of wasting electric, same thing if I leave the tv on when go to take a leak. More filipino double standards at work. But nothing said if they turn on the split level air conditioning and leave doors and windows open. So far nothing has been said about the missing light bulbs.

Humor. Yes I'm in trouble again or still since filipinos are never wrong. I make jokes and such and everyone breaks out laughing. Jokes that are not offensive, racial or the like mind you. Now all of a sudden I'm told otherwise. What to do says I to myself? As Dru would say "Lightbulb!" I promptly informed that from now on my sense of humor would cease and anything I say is to be taken serious. Yes, going down the road in the car with the driver driving and he decides to turn right from the left lane. I now tell him what a fucking moron he is. They want serious I will give serious without flattery. So the other day I'm looking at the new car, an Mu X limited edition brand new and less than a month old when what do my eyes spy? A paint chip on the left front fender just forward of the wheel. Driver says a rock did it, again nothing is a filipinos fault. So I look closer and use the light and there it is, real fine scrape mark starting above the chip and going down to the chip.
     Now seeing how they complain about my humor and I now have now towards filipinos (another thing they killed) I just leaned up, looked at the driver and said "Not a rock, you scrapped something." and walked off. Is wife mad about the chip? No, why should she be, nothing is ever a filipinos fault now is it?
All you old PFBers know that my mother in law stays with us due to advanced age. Fact she's only one of 3 I allow in my house that is related to the dragon lady (wife), sure living up to that name this week I can say without a doubt. Well my room/computer room is right next to hers and I keep hearing this sound coming from her room like a sea lion barking so I get up and go look for the sea lion in her room. I have never found the damn thing so I can only assume it is her burping, least that's what Dragon lady says. But why should anyone expect any different? I mean when filipinos sneeze they have to yell it like it's breaking international news. That goes along with chewing with mouth open and making slopping sounds (yes, I stopped eating at the table with them), blowing noses on the shirts they are wearing then deny doing it while they are still blowing or wiping, the major announcement when out to eat "I have to go poop" (That's the adults, not kids) and last but not least turning the table into a beauty salon while people are still eating.

  Dragon Lady goes to BDO to withdraw P20,000 in 2 withdraws and the first goes fine, but oh the second one. I'm in the computer room when she walks in and says the ATM never dispensed the money for second withdraw. I go online (after they got the net back up) and sure enough the entire P20,000 was deducted from my account. Dressed I get and off we go to BDO to fix the matter and in I walk and start to walk over to a pinay sitting at a desk helping no one. "You have to get a number and wait in line" says dragon lady, "To hell with that is my reply and walk right up to the desk. I tell the pinay what happened and dragon lady tells her in the local dialect. At that point the pinay admits that the machine wife used has been doing that. A FILIPINO ADMITTED SOMETHING WAS THEIR FAULT!!!!! HEART ATTACK TIME!!! So I ask what they are going to do to fix the situation and get the typical reply:
"You have to contact your bank in the states and have them fix it." FACEPALM. So I looked at her and since I have no sense of humor just said "So your telling me I have to contact my bank in the states and ask them to fix your fuck up?"
    Her reply was typical filipino "Yes sir, sorry po."
Yes, this is what you think after being in the philippines too long.
And you know exactly where you want to put this.

And this is the fate of anyone who stays in the philippines to long.     SOMEBODY PLEASE JUST SHOOT ME!!!




  
    As anyone who has been in the Philippines for any length of time knows, looks are more important than what is inside. How many times have you cruised the net looking for a nice resort? You find  one that looks nice, book your room online and off you go. Upon arrival things for the most part are very different from what you saw online and if you decide to go elsewhere you hear "NO REFUND". So in the month of February my wife booked a room online for her birthday for one night and off we go.

   We arrive and the place looks nice and well maintained, roomy and so forth, there ends the good experience.  So we check in and the staff enters info into the computer at the front desk and we go sit by the pool and Jacuzzi when our son ask to turn the Jacuzzi on only to be told "brownout" several times. But stupid me I remembered that the staff was using the computer and internet when we checked in. I also noticed that the main pool had the circulation jets running. So again son ask staff to turn it on "Wala, brownout" we were told once again. Within a few minutes a security guard walks by and we ask again, I can see the water jets in the pool from my chair. Guard walks over and withing 1 minute the Jacuzzi is on.

  Now I don't know about you all but I like a hot bath/shower and this resort had a bathtub and shower in our room. So in the room I turn the water on and wait and wait and wait and wait never getting hot water. When this was brought to staff attention they said you have to let it run. I even tried at 2am, 3am, 4am before giving up and trying to get some sleep. At least the air conditioning worked. So I get up at 7am turn the "hot" water on and let it run while I order breakfast, eat breakfast and still no hot water after an hour and a half of checking every 10 minutes or so.

  But the room was big and did have cable tv. Well that is as long as you only wanted to watch one channel with a thick line running across the center of the screen. Now this room had a front door and a sliding rear door to a private patio which I thought was nice. The front door was hung so bad that there was about a 1/2 inch crack all along it, but it did lock. There was a sign in the room saying lock your room to prevent theft. But for some damn reason when you locked the sliding door to the patio it would unlock itself and slide open about 2 inches. Looking at the beach it did seem pretty decent until son asked me to go down with him and look for shells. Yes trash along the shoreline and I picked up handful of broken glass. What is it with filipinos and breaking glass anyone know? The odd part is that a German and his wife own the place. Guess he did not inspect it when building or finished. And this was an upscale resort!!

   DOORS!!!! What is it about doors that is so complicated and confuses the filipinos so much, anyone? I've rented places where the doors would not shut without slamming because they were hanged crooked. Doors that when you open or close them they break, pull the hinge out of the wall and fall off and so on. The place I'm in now, well they installed the knob so far back that it will not latch shut most of the time. Then there are the filipinos themselves. If the door works great they have to pile so much shit behind it that you cannot open it all the way. The newest fad in my house now is to hang clothes on a hanger on the door knob. Open the door, walk in and knock the clothes off.

  And yes for you old PFBers, mother in law still went to the cr and left the door wide open. At least until "T" showed up. Now she leaves it cracked open about 2 inches or so but "T" won't shut it when he pisses. So now I have a 77 year old man and an 80 female who thinks everyone wants to see them piss.

   I have been trying to get a fridge in my room because I can hardly get room for anything in the main fridge. But today I got one!!! I pulled our other fridge out of the dirty kitchen and moved it to my room. What caused this miracle you ask? Well first of all I drink imported milk from the states and "T" started drinking my milk, a luxury item for me. But what brought it about was wife said best "if I had the fridge in my room because the driver is drinking my beer."

  If you read my article about the fire then you will know about "T" and how we now have a security guard at our house. Well as with everything with filipinos be careful and watch. Said guard asked that the maid turn the outside lights off when we went to bed. He would then take 4 chairs and make himself a bed and go to sleep, work filipino style. Little does he know he just lost his "good job" bonus when this is over if he has not lost his job. Wife going to the security agency over this, "We do not pay him to sleep."

  Well again we had another blackout so there goes the internet and cable tv. Electric comes back on and it takes the internet company 30 minutes or more to figure out they need to turn the net back on.

  Now our son goes to a private school and they decided to do a talent show in a mall. Did I say I hate going to events like this?  They get those plastic chairs and set them up, nothing wrong there right. But ever notice that the filipinos sit down and they ALWAYS do certain things that fuck everything up? Like:
1.) Move the chairs into the aisle so no one can get through.
2.) Go all the way up front and stand in front of the first row so no one else can see. Then first row stands up blocking and so forth.
3.) They move the chairs around so no one can get in or out.
   This is one of those rants. I'm sitting there at 4:30 PM waiting for a show to start that was set to start at 3:00 PM, another reason I hate going to events like this. So I'm sitting there when a pinay sits in front of me, a fat one at that too. Well this pinay saves 2 chairs for her friends that are are the way, no problem there as I have about two foot distance between the back of her chair and my knees. Her friends show up, both pinay and first thing they move one chair into the aisle preventing it's use. The other pinay sits to the left of fat ass.

   Then within a few minutes it starts, they start sliding their chairs back and back. I start speaking up and sure enough they act like they don't hear what I'm saying, another filipino trait. My wife is getting nervous as she knows I will most likely say or do something, she's right by the way. Now their chairs are into my knees so I moved back a few inches and here they come again, chairs in the knees. I say things loud enough for the filipinos behind me to hear yet fat ass and her friend that are closer act like they don't hear anything and keep pushing back. I lean forward between them, get the "eye" from my wife as she knows now I had enough. So leaning forward and my head just above their shoulders I say, "Pardon me. But I'm going to go ahead and leave now so you fat asses can't keep pushing your chairs back into my knees."

   The blank stares combined with a "I can"t believe he said that to us." look came over their faces. My wife just sat there looking at them and me. I get up and walk off as they start their gabbing. From the second floor I watched the show standing up and noticed something. Every time a filipino stood in front of fat asses they were quick to scold the filipino and tell them to move.
    First of all allow me to send a BIG THANK YOU to Capt for bringing the site back to life and saving the sanity of untold hundreds of people.

   So most of you are most likely wondering what has been going on in my life between the time old PFB and new PFB. Well to say the least it has been pretty interesting and will tell it as best I can, get your beer, popcorn and face palms ready cause here we go.

  One bright and cloudless day I was upstairs on the web doing what I do best, pissing filipinos off by telling them the facts they refuse to acknowledge when in walks my wife. Yes, she interrupted the ongoing pissing offing of filipinos online. Now my wife has more than one business ventures going at the same time and this involved one of those in a manner of speaking. I was asked to come downstairs and talk to a British bloke and his wife. Well I go down and it seems that his pension has been stopped because his wife never submitted paperwork to the UK and they needed a loan of about P170,000 till he got it back. Now this is where it gets interesting.

  The British whom I'll call "T" met his future wife in Singapore about 16 years ago. How did they meet? Glad you asked. Seems she kept calling his phone "by accident" several times a day and less than a month later they married. INSERT FACE PALM HERE. They then moved to the Philippines. Two years later a baby boy is born. Mr.T went back to the UK then returned to the Philippines where a " pinoy friend" of his wife met him in Manila and told "T" not to tell his wife he arrived. Said pinoy forced him to sign a will making the pinoy sole beneficiary. Then in 2014 said pinoy withdrew appox. 60,000 pounds from "T" bank account over the course of a year.

   Now to present. My wife checked on his wife before loaning the money and granted the loan. Because of the "pinoy friend" of his wife they had to move because threats had been made. So my wife set up a new place for them, shopping for needed items and such. "T"s wife spent about P110,000 of the money loaned to them for this. During that week we went to a new park that opened and invited the couple and their son along. Mr. "T" wife disappeared the next morning and never to return, we were there 2 nights. Nor did she leave them money for food. When asked where the P60,000 left over from the loan was she refused to answer. Nice woman huh? Did I mention that "T"s wife admitted she had boyfriends and the son looks 100% filipino?

   New Years eve "T" and his son came to our house and the wife refused yet always sending messages to my wife asking for more money. So my wife starts looking hard into his wife and found out she has a gambling problem, drug use and a boyfriend. You old PFBers are saying "no surprise there" I know. Now it gets even more interesting. My wife and "T talked and he wanted to leave his wife after finding out all of this and since he has no place to go my wife asked if he could stay with us until his finances were straight. Since it's temporary and his advanced age (77) I agreed. I also told wife to expect something from his wife since his wife just lost her ATM machine.  "T" got with a lawyer and cut his wife off from all his bank accounts, made my wife guardian in a manner of speaking.

   So still his wife sends messages to mine asking for money and is refused. Why not? After all the wife of "T" fed him one meal a day and was never home. So a few weeks pass when we get a letter from a lawyer hired by the wife of "T" demanding we return him to her within 5 days or face kidnapping charges. Demand refused as "T" is free to leave anytime he pleases. Her lawyer talks to his lawyer and lawyer to lawyer and the demand is dropped. So one night I'm upstairs in my room when I look out the window and see a bright orange flash and loud boom. Downstairs I run, open the back door and there is a raging fire. I grabbed the 5 gallon jug of drinking water and douse it a little, run upstairs and get wife and son out of house and send everyone out through front door.

  I then ran to the carport and got the garden hose and hooked it to a tap less than 5 foot from the fire and start fighting it in my underwear and nothing more. Ok, before anyone ask, I wear boxers when I wear any undies at all. After a few minutes a pinoy shows up and sees what is going on, grabs the neighbors hose, hooks up to their tap and helps me. By this time the wood in the overhang ceiling is on fire. I direct him to spray at the base of the fire, hose down propane tank and so forth. We get it out after about 15 to 20 minutes total. The pinoy who helped me later told my wife that as he was helping their was a pinoy on the other side of the wall with a red liquid container in one hand and a gun in the other. You all have a suspect yet?

   So to make a long story short. "T"s wife stopped asking for money, return of her ATM machine and so forth. As expected subdivision security showed up to take a report. We moved the very same day into another house about 2km away and what happens? The subdivision chief of security told "T"s wife where we moved to and pinoys on singles started driving by looking and watching closely. Now we have armed security at our house.

   "T"s wife set it up as you all well know. We found the one with the gun who started the fire. How? We scrolled through "T"S wife Facebook page and our witness spotted him. BFP done their thing, PNP working on charges and so forth on all of them.

  What of "T"? Well he is still staying with us. My wife got his pension straightened out, his insurance straight and has worked out a budget for him. The wife of "T" gets P10,000 a month (P2,500 a week) for the "son" and no more. "T' gets fed 3 times a day, has medical check up and so forth. Yes, my wife hates filipinos like "T"s wife with a passion. Our losses? Well lost a lot of clothes, cooking stove, propane tank, pots and pans, table.

  Where is "T"s wife? Well she move out of the house they set up mentioned above and was living in a nipa hut in middle of a rice field. Now she is gone from that nipa house but still demands the P10,000 a month. First she would come to our place to get it, then later send her son. Then she had to go to "T"s lawyer to get it the demanded it be wired to her (that demand right after the house fire). Now there is some guy that calls "T"s lawyer and ask if her P2,500 weekly is there and if yes she shows up with this pinoy to get it. I suspect she has moved out of the rice field and moved in with this pinoy.

  

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