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Sarahfin's blog


For those who knew my background story with my mother's Filipino relatives in the Philippines

​,​ 

you would be familiar with ​some of the characters in this article. Primarily ass wipe uncle  Dave​, and his evil demon wife, the Queen Succubus, who we shall call auntie Norma.  ​


Dave was a couple of years younger than my mum.   I met Uncle Dave when we first return​ed​ ​t​o the Philippines after a 20 year absence.   ​Back then, ​uncle Dave was ​very generous​,​ hospitable​,​ ​c​harming ​and ​very keen to please.​   A trait that is also commonly found amongst Psychopaths and Narcissistic Personality Disorders.


I will cut the background story on Uncle Dave​. Suffice to say that the family (uncle Dave, province aunt and myself)  had a falling out partly because of his greed partly because of his compulsion to steal and partly because he's just a plain​,​ dumb​, money hungry​ arse hole​​.


The last time I was in Philippines was in 2015. By then Uncle Dave was at an all out war against Mum, myself and another Aunt. At one stage, Uncle Dave threaten​ed​ to kill ​province aunt​, texting the threats to me. For a ​senior PNP Officer, uncle Dave really is dumb​. If you were going to threaten to kill somebody​, would you leave evidence of the threats you made? Well, he did.  Well, OK, he's a Pignoy, so we will forgive him for being stupid. ​ 


Fast forward to around December 2015 to January 2016 Uncle Dave's ​wife, aunt Norma started to get sick.   ​For some reason, I got accused of sorcery, of causing her illness. ​Did not matter that I have not been back since August 2015, apparently my magic was so ferocious that it can cross waters! Welcome to superstitions Filipino style! By ​September or October last year ​aunt Norma​ finally died​, ​but not before spending ​at least one million pesos​ in medical bills.​Uncle Dave's troubles has just begun​.​


Days after Norma's funeral, her ​(middle aged) ​sisters went to Uncle Dave's house while ​Dave​ was in the city​.​ ​The maid ​allowed​ them inside the house. The sisters went ​t​o the main bedrooms and help​ed ​​themselves with ​Norma's belongings​: ​clothes​,​ jewelry​,​ handbags​,​ and anything else that they saw fit to take​. 


Following day​​, the​ greedy, thieving sisters​ went to the office​ where Norma used to work as some kind of treasurer/clerk and demand​ed to know how much money was left from Norma's pension account. ​They ​then ​contacted Uncle Dave and demanded that they be given her pension​.  I heard that he gave it to them, partly because he did not want trouble and partly, because apparently they were entitled to it. 


​I was really amazed​ upon hearing this. For all of Uncle Dave's Bravado​, and being​ the family bully, he did not put up even a semblance of a fight against the greedy sisters! ​And not forgetting that the older greedy sister had already repossessed the farm that Dave and Norma bought a few years back, and did not even refunded Dave his money. Can anyone get greedier than this? But wait there's more....


So Dave and Norma bought a plot of land years ago, near the main cemetery as their burial plot, to build a small mausoleum. The idea is to avoid the hassles of paying rent for their burial plot to the Catholic church when they're dead since they did not have children. Yes folks, for those not in the know, the Catholic church will keep collecting money off you even when you're dead and buried. And if you don't pay, your remains will be exhumed after so many years (not sure exactly how long), and will be placed in a common grave. Your bones will be piled along with the others that's been "kicked out" of their resting place. 


So after Norma's death, Dave, devoted husband that he was, built the mausoleum to lay Norma to rest. But Norma's mother died 2 weeks after Norma's funeral, and the family decided to bury Norma's mother in the mausoleum that Dave built for Norma! Then another aunt died and they decided to bury her there also! So now, should uncle Dave dies, he'll have to get buried in his maternal family's burial place which was at the main cemetery, instead of the fancy mausoleum he built for his wife and for himself. 



And now the kicker​ for Dave:  The greedy sisters are now​ demanding half of the house​. So now Dave has to sell his precious house because of the Philippines inheritance laws. ​ ​L​et me explain how the Inheritance laws work in the Philippines.​ FYI, Dave and Norma did not have children, Norma's parents are both dead, therefore her surviving relatives are her sisters and their children, and by law are entitled to inherit. Read on: 



"[4] If your deceased spouse has no ascendants (parents, grandparents, or great-grandparents) or illegitimate children, but has siblings, then you and the siblings will inherit under Article 1001 of the New Civil Code of the Philippines.

Art. 1001. Should brothers and sisters or their children survive with the widow or widower, the latter shall be entitled to one-half of the inheritance and the brothers and sisters or their children to the other half.
In simpler terms, you will get 50% of the inheritance while the brothers and sisters will divide among themselves the other 50%.

The law does not distinguish between siblings of the full or half blood. If your deceased spouse’s father or mother had illegitimate children, these children cannot inherit from your spouse because of the “iron barrier” between the legitimate and illegitimate sides of the family.

If any of the siblings died before your spouse, then that sibling's legitimate children (meaning, your spouse’s nephews or nieces) will inherit by right of representation. These children will divide among themselves the share that should have gone to their parent (the deceased sibling)."


So there you have it folks. For all of uncle Dave's greed, he's already lost a lot of money because of his wife's medical bills, and now looks like he's set to lose his house too. Oh well, Mum did pay for that house anyway, as a gift to him when he started his PNP career. But greed simply got to him.  A good kick from Karma, eh?  :)

If you want to know more about inheritance laws in the Philippines, this is a good site to start.


https://famli.blogspot.com.au/2011/07/if-your-spouse-dies-without-last-will.html







First of, I want to acknowledge that this article is not my work. It was forwarded to me by a former member from the old PFB. I kept it since it is such a good article. I am resubmitting it for the benefits of those who are still new to Filipino culture and might be struggling to understand what makes them tick. Well from my point of view, money is what makes them tick. Others might have a different opinion. Feel free to disagree.


I picked the accompanying photo because that is the reality in most of the Filipino households, the oldest child, usually the daughter bears the burden of supporting the family....by whatever means. She can not refuse because well, she is enmeshed with them. They abuse her and use her till she can give no more, she loves them today, she hates them tomorrow and she loves them next day.


_________________________



Enmeshed Sociopathic Family Systems- Be Aware of their Toxicity

Enmeshed Families



Enmeshment
– This means family members become too closely bonded with each other. Under the control of a parent, cohesiveness is often forced on the members. In an effort to overcome family shame, efforts are made to keep the family together. Members are expected to be loyal – being together is not necessarily desired; it is required. Enmeshment is often referred to as co-dependence, and it manifests itself in number of harmful ways. Family members sometimes feel too much, depend too much on, or do too much for each other. While some sacrifice is o.k., sacrifice can be harmful, not just to the one who is sacrificing but also to the one for whom the sacrifice is made.

This family system is like a bowl of noodles, it is totally enmeshed. Another name for this would be dysfunctional family system. In this family, there are no boundaries. Each walks into the other’s space and is not even apologetic about it. Boundaries are not respected and this behavior is not considered wrong.



Toxic People

Toxic people don’t like the scrutiny of looking at themselves and their behavior toward others. Toxic people tend to:

    Use others for their own needs and benefits, regardless of the impact on the other person

    Lie easily and frequently to shape reality to serve their own wants and interests

    Pit one person against another in a “divide and conquer” manner to keep control of others

    Create chaos and conflict during which invariably others are to blame and they are the faultless victims

    Completely lack empathy for others, even, and especially, when the toxic individual themselves have caused the harm

    Frequently find fault with people who threaten them or disagree with them, in order to discredit the other person.


The Disordered Family


“Don’t trust; don’t feel, and don’t talk.” A functional family has no such rules. Fear and shame keep family members from discussing it. Initially their feelings may be so overwhelming that they deal with them by trying not to feel. Ignoring the most important family matter causes them to ignore other feelings and thoughts as well. Communication is superficial because of the threat of talking about their shame, fear, and depression.


*Denial and Reality Shifting – People in dysfunctional families usually have a distorted view of reality. They see the terrible things happening in their homes, yet they don’t recognize them for what they are. They may minimize the problem. They may consider themselves normal. Forcing children to disregard what they experience distorts their sense of what is true and normal, causing them to live in doubt and confusion.


*They have a sober personality and an addicted one – and their families do too. What is so amazing about these cycles is that the family members tend to behave like the addict.


*Role Reversals — when one family member becomes increasingly disabled, other family members will begin to carry an extra load to keep the family going. Unlike the teamwork that exists in a healthy family, these responsibilities are unfairly distributed.


*Isolation – They are cut off from the many benefits people receive by being linked to the wider community and their contact with growth-producing relationships is limited. Because the family members are so enmeshed with one another, outsiders threaten the precarious “balance” of co-dependency. Also, because of their rigidity, they reject others whose ideas and practices may challenge theirs.


The Effects on the Children


Unhealthy boundaries are generally as a result of being raised in dysfunctional families where maturation and the individuation process was not properly understood nor the child respected as an individual. In these types of families the unmet needs of parents or other adults are sometimes so overwhelming that the task of raising children is demoted to a secondary role, and dysfunction is the likely result.



As children we want to please our disordered parent and get along with a disordered sibling or relative; however, a personality disordered individual lacks appropriate personal boundaries of their own. This can result in inappropriate affectionate gestures and lack of personal privacy for the child.



We become frustrated and angry that our boundaries are violated yet we are unable to express what, exactly, our boundaries are. Constant yielding to a parent, sibling or relative becomes second nature. We lose our own sense of self and often find ourselves in unhappy relationships, jobs and life situations.



The parent who becomes enmeshed with her child seeks to control everything the child does. Her justification for this control can be boiled down to “It’s my child. I can do what I please with him.”



When a narcissist and their child become enmeshed, the roles of parent and child become reversed. A narcissist with an enmeshed child—or children—expects her child to continually anticipate and meet her needs. In this role reversal the child finds himself catering to his parent’s physical and emotional needs. Meanwhile his needs go unmet.



Enmeshment is very difficult to see when one is in it. Members share in the dysfunction to cope with the fragility of their family. These families attempt to find strength in numbers and cope by fusing members together. Sadly, this often results in shame, blame, and criticism. Justification and rationalization and an individual's lost sense of self.



Children, being dependent, become victims of their parents’ problems and inadequacies. Most of the parents I am describing can be characterized as narcissistic, putting their needs ahead of those of their children.



Narcissistic Parents


We all recognize that parents’ true mission is to take care of their children. In the case of narcissistic parents, however, the reverse is often true, and these children learn to feel guilty unless they are attuned to meeting the needs of their parents. You learn your self-worth throughout childhood in the way you are treated by your parents and siblings.


In such enmeshed or dysfunctional families, the children are not taught any responsibility and since there are no boundaries, they will not learn to respect other’s boundaries. They will exhibit this behavior with others and this may not go down well with others.


Dysfunctional family members will grow up to be dysfunctional and have relationship problems. When they recognize the family system of their childhood, they can set it right and make sure their family will be more connected. It is good to learn lessons from our childhood and not repeat the mistakes. This does not mean our parents were bad, they just did not know any better.


The Sociopathic Family


If you are the child of a Narcissist and/or grew up in a dysfunctional family, you have been raised to have no boundaries. Nothing you own is yours, not even your body.  You are not an individual, separate person to your N Parent, you are an extension of him, her, or them. Unfortunately, that doesn’t change when you grow up.



Enmeshed Family Systems: In enmeshed family systems, conformity is essential for the fusion to solidify. Autonomy is not tolerated. The parents sacrifice their children’s budding independence on the altar of family unity. The children are discouraged to think for themselves if contrary to parental ideals. These children grow up without a solid sense of identity apart from who their parents want them or need them to be.



Sociopathic parents lack a moral compass: They have a marked disregard for the rights and feelings of others. They are generally insensitive, manipulative, sneaky, dishonest, cold, and very much "out for themselves". They have been described as "lacking the full range of human emotions" or having nothing other than self-interest and anger. Families of antisocial parents are often among the most highly dysfunctional and abusive.

Parasitic lifestyle: an intentional, manipulative, selfish, and exploitative financial dependence on others as reflected in a lack of motivation, low self-discipline, and inability to begin or complete responsibilities.



Learn Respect Yourself and the Life of Others


It is important for us to close the door on people violating our boundaries and to learn to set and enforce boundaries in our own lives. It is the only way we can ever gain respect and maintain respect from those around us and teach it to our children.



Understand the reasons behind sociopathic behavior.


The cause of this disorder is unknown, but biological or genetic factors may play a role. Remember that although it may not be a person's fault that he or she is a sociopath, this individual is still responsible for his or her actions, and you do not need to fix those issues or damage your own life by staying around.


You can start the healing process right this second by telling yourself—and believing—that “I have the right to my own thoughts, feelings, and life.”



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