BPI – Bank Of Philippine Idiots

I get up every morning and go through the same routine. First I check our business banking accounts as any payments made since when I last checked need to be added to our system.

This needs to be done manually because errr. I dont fucking know why. Because the businesses here have no idea about how people pay in 2014. They think that dropping cash in my account or a check is safer than paying by card or for that matter paying using any locally safe method online such as ATM bank transfer etc all of which we accept. They fear online as it is the unknown and think if they ever use their card, it will result in fraud. Suspicion and superstition in one.

So, back to the story.

The first bank I check is always BPI. It is first in my list because it takes the longest to load. I check the second (international) bank for updates and then come back to BPI which is usually just finishing loading.

At least 1 in 3 times I am greeted by the message that “Dear valued client, BPI express online is currently unavailable to service your online banking transactions. Please try your access after the system refresh or maintenance activity.”

Lets pick that statement to pieces.

“unavailable to service your online banking transactions”
BPI online banking (as far as I am aware) does not allow you to make any transactions. I am assuming that they are using the term “transactions” as in to transact a service.

“Please try your access after the system refresh or maintenance activity”
Where do I start with this fucking mess of a statement? OK, lets start with “Please try your access” which isn’t even correct. Next: “after the system refresh or maintenance activity”. The system refresh happens each night at 10pm for 30 minutes and the maintenance activity that is detailed is not scheduled for the time I am trying to access.

So what they are saying is “try again after the non existent items”.

Just as everything else with this country, the solution is always “try it again”.

I believe BPI stands for Bank of the Philippine Idiots or possibly Bastos of the Philippine Islands or maybe a mix of both.

Just to make matters worse, their system is so poorly coded that a “6” bleeds over to the bottom of the screen.

Fucking awesome!

Its no wonder they wear flip flops, I doubt most could deal with the complexity involved in tying laces. Thank god for Velcro!

Reading back what I say about the population and business here, I hate myself. I do not want to say bad things. My mother told me that if I didnt have anything nice to say, I shouldnt say anything at all. That makes me a mute in this society.

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    1. Profile gravatar of TheD
      TheD Post author

      Thank you. I have been commenting for a few days and plan to write about all my experiences as most of them have not been covered here or would be found to be interesting. Such as the time PLDT connected my phone after I moved house, then came out hours later to disconnect it. When I asked why, they informed me that they had connected it too soon and would therefore disconnect it and reconnect it again within the 7 day limit they had set.
      Or the intelligent pinoys i met who all seem to be shit crazy with psychosis. I guess if you are not intelligent, you cant lose your faculties as you never had them to begin with.

  1. Profile gravatar of TheD
    TheD Post author

    I read back what I wrote and think I must be a bastard. Does anyone else do that?
    It is like I can not believe what I am saying and how nasty I am towards these people, but at the same time I feel it is justified.
    Just like every time I get a problem and blurt out “oh for fucks sake” I always apologize but in the back of my mind I know they deserved it.

    1. Profile gravatar of Marius O.
      Marius O.

      Yeah, I do that. The “oh for fuck’s sake” thing I have so far managed to hold back, but it’s really really hard when you’re facing a so-called “professional” and have to explain in words of a single syllable some high-school concept that he hasn’t yet mastered.

      I find myself thinking “am I just an asshole? Is this guy doing the best he can with I’m thinking about ripping his arm off and strangling him with it?”. And then he asks for his fee with a smarmy grin, having accomplished precisely nothing (except to annoy me, and possibly break something), and I think, no: he’s the asshole, I’m justifiably angry, and if he falls down a manhole left open by another “engineer” on the way home, well, that’s just karma.

      1. Profile gravatar of TheD
        TheD Post author

        Oh thank god. Sometimes I just can not help but blurt it out.
        What I love to do is use sarcasm as they simply do not get it.
        I wait until they finished talking then I tell them “Kuya, one more thing po. Can you give me the number of your drug dealer as I would love to be as spaced out as you in a stressful situation and not give a fuck” they stare at me as if I had just shown a card trick to a dog.

        I assume the situation your refer to is the same as one of mine. My bathroom was leaking and the landlord was useless so I hired a plumber. First they tell me that they arrived WITH NO FUCKING TOOLS AT ALL! Then he informs me that he needs me to give him the cash to buy the items to fix the pipe! Why? I naturally expect to pay for them, but not upfront. Finally when he finished he tells me to call him directly so I dont have to pay his employers fees. You mean the employer that was good enough to hire your sorry ass and pay you and your response is to fuck him over?

        1. Profile gravatar of Marius O.
          Marius O.

          Sure, the idiots turning up to fix things with NO TOOLS (aside from, usually, a piece of bent wire and a 20-peso screwdriver) is a regular occurrence. I usually let them get on with it just for amusement value, then fix it myself.

          I was actually referring to a self-proclaimed geodetic engineer who (a) upon seeing my compass, pointed to the needle and said “is that North?” and (b) had to be told that, at our latitude, one thousandth of a minute of arc is about 2 meters, either N or E, and therefore we could easily estimate (using my GPS) the distance between two points, instead of (as he was doing) spending an entire day and two labourer’s wages (at my expense) to hack through jungle and do a line-of-sight measurement when only +/-50m accuracy was required for our purposes.

          The punchline? He did actually have a GPS in his bag. He just hadn’t bothered to switch it on, and most likely didn’t know how to operate it.

          1. Profile gravatar of TheD
            TheD Post author

            bent wire and screwdriver? Not even that! The guy turned up with NOTHING. Just him and his moped.
            Technology is your friend. We planned an entire event without ever visiting the city. The company didnt want to pay the budget so we could go there and plan it first. They expected to send us 24 hours before the event at which point we would do our planning.
            I used Google Earth to map, size, measure and plan the entire thing. We then knew how big the stage would be, where the barriers for crowd control would be, where the exits would be and the best place for the ambulances so that they had easy access to the crowd and immediate access to the road for a quick exit.
            It boggles my mind how much they fuck it up simply due to 2 things. And I honestly think these 2 things effect EVERY company I see here.

            The reasons I think the companies are so bad:
            1) Lack of correct Management
            2) No planning or structure or process

            Every time I see a company with issues, it is always these two items.

          2. Profile gravatar of Marius O.
            Marius O.

            And 1) and 2) can be distilled quite succinctly to “borderline retards running the show”.

          3. Profile gravatar of TheD
            TheD Post author

            Tama po! haha
            We find ways to make the queues longer.
            We find ways to make more mistakes than you could imagine.

            I honestly think that their attitude is “We get paid X pesos per day, so why not work as slow as we can, that way we earn more money per task”.

          4. Profile gravatar of 30-30

            we deal with the BDO,, WE FIND WAYS bullshit…
            anyway I wanted to send 75,000 thai baht to a bank in thailand.
            no can do for the BDO… Why????? i dunno.
            The BDO has a SWIFT code that enables them to receive money from all the world. So why can’t they send money???
            These Luddites probably can not figure out how to convert USA dollars to Thai baht. the cashiers probably think the bank actually has to have actual baht on hand or in their bra in order to send baht to thailand..
            The international banks have a clearing house where settle with each on a periodic basis… much like the local banks do when they settle up their customers checks.
            JUST SHOOT ME dead,,

          5. Profile gravatar of Marius O.
            Marius O.

            That “WE FIND WAYS” makes me laugh everytime I see it. Ways of doing what? Avoiding legitimate regulation? Circumventing illegitimate government meddling? Fucking up? Ripping you off? Finish the sentence, retards!

          6. Profile gravatar of TheD
            TheD Post author

            I bought a business from an american in the USA. I had the receipt in hand and all legal documents. I needed to pay them in USD. Not hard for a bank who has USD accounts right?
            How wrong I was.

            They first informed me that they could send the USD but they could not both change pesos to USD and then send USD. This was because it could be used for funding terrorism. I would first need to go to BPI to get the money changed to USD, then come back to BDO who would send the money.
            I pointed out that if I was funding terrorism, then they had just informed me how to circumvent the law and would be accomplices. Blank stare.

            OK, so I trundled off to BPI, got the money changed and came back to BDO. They spent 5 hours sat at their computer preparing to send the money. FIVE FUCKING HOURS and this was the branch manager. Her main interest was asking me about my life. I had to keep saying “can we please focus on the task at hand”.
            Finally, she told me that the paperwork was now complete. Whooooop! But there was a problem. The branch that would send the money was now closed. I had spent the entire day in the bank from the moment they opened until they closed to get this far.
            Luckily they agreed to complete the final step tomorrow as I refused to return to the bank for a second day just to make one transfer.
            The next day I called head office and spoke to a manager who told me “there is no such law, any branch should be able to transfer USD if you give them pesos without an issue”.

            If you need anything done, you need to research how to do it and then inform them how they should do it as they simply will not know. If they state a law, ask for the exact details of the law and research it, if it doesnt exist, tell them it doesnt exist and unless they can prove it does, then it is not a law and does not need to be followed.

            Then there is the story of PNB sending money from europe to the Philippines and transferring it to BPI. This is 2014 right? This is how they did it:
            PNB transferred the money internally and when it reached Manila, they dispatched a courier with a bag containing the cash. It never reached BPI because the system that the courier had did not display the full account name, so they rejected it before it even got to BPI.
            The end result is that the funds went back to europe and we lost a client.
            I opened a formal complaint with the branch manager and asked that they forward it to head office. They never did. No one ever replied. They simply didnt give a flying fuck.

      1. Profile gravatar of TheD
        TheD Post author

        Sorry, I have to disagree. Pick your friends wisely. I have 2 pure breed pinoy friends who are nothing less than awesome. Likely because their mentality is not pinoy.
        Also I have a friend who is PhilAmerican and is just as awesome.

        That being said, I needed to sift through a hell of a lot of retards to find these friends.

  2. Profile gravatar of 30-30

    when you cause them a problem,,, all hell breaks loose with a lot of energy expended.
    However you are a kano,, so it does not matter if your life is destroyed by their actions and stupidity

    1. Profile gravatar of TheD
      TheD Post author

      Is this why pinoys wipe their ass with their hands because the toilet paper is more valuable than the peso? Is it any wonder that we Kanos keep our money abroad where the companies are more responsible, responsive and reply to formal complaints.

      This post doesnt even scratch the surface on the sheer retarded nature of BPI. I have PROVEN that I know their system better than their own branch manager who to be blunt knew shit about their own system. I was guessing based on what I knew and I was fucking dead right.

      1. Profile gravatar of 30-30

        ask the bank manager this question= What is the effective interest on a loan? they will say 9 % per annum. but no…. that is not the EFFECTIVE interest rate.
        the effective interest rate is always higher than the stated interest rate..because you pay off a loan monthly..

        1. Profile gravatar of TheD
          TheD Post author

          Dont push me al. You’re clearly trying to make me do that and end up freaking out haha

          Try this one instead. Every month our business account has money removed from it. Sometimes a few hundred pesos, sometimes a few thousand.
          I asked why. They told me it was a fee for using the ATM. I asked for a breakdown of the fees, but they couldnt provide it. I asked them for the mathematical formula used to calculate it, they couldnt provide it. I didnt use the card at any ATM for months and they still took the money out. I asked them to explain it, they couldnt.

    1. Profile gravatar of TheD
      TheD Post author

      Ignorance is bliss. Stupid and happy is better than clever and sad.
      The pinoys I met that were well read, well traveled and knew a lot also complained about the state here in the Philippines, but they were also fucking shit crazy and psychos. Does intelligence do that to you here?

      1. Profile gravatar of SpatandemOhgod

        hows this..i only ever get a erection with my wife…if im reading Filipino fail blog at the same time, the rest of the time I so fuckin scared of her horror-story lifestyle.

        as for the wipe your a$$ with your hand thing, with my filipine if I slept walked into the “comfort room” I would turn around because I thought I walked straight into the toilet bowl as she “PISSES ON THE FUCKING FLOOR” it smells so bad..i actually never felt good wearing cologne in the Philippines because a) I was meeting the wrong girls b) I found one (a girl) that made me put it on in a state of mental emergency

        1. Profile gravatar of TheD
          TheD Post author

          She pisses on the floor? What the fuck are you doing with her? I saved a street cat and managed to teach it to only piss in the litter tray. Train her!
          If you can’t train her, try to crate train her like a dog.

          I have met some skanks also. As soon as she quated in my shower and squirted out my cum and piss or whatever the fuck it was, I decided it was time to get away.

      2. Profile gravatar of FAFI

        Obviously enough it does. Like in my article about crazy bitch I met here last month (“The Ultimate Lesson: Knowing Your Limits with a Filipina”) was completely crazy too. She has been out the country 3 times working as an OFW, she is now 29 years old. She complained about the same shit as I did about this country. But one day she completely snapped and took all her mystery anger out on me in the middle of planning out to go drinking.
        I guess she couldn’t fathom to hear how stupid her people were anymore and decided to become one of them. Her inner stupidity came out that day, and it slowly multiplied until I finally had to get rid of that insane bitch. So yeah, you are right. When they seem to be smart, another trait of them seems to drop. I guess this applies to one of those ‘worldly balance’ theories that you must sacrifice one trait to gain another. She sacrificed her stupidity to gain anger and rage. The bitch didn’t seem intelligent anymore after that.

        1. Profile gravatar of TheD
          TheD Post author

          Yup, read that article. I am god damned sure that was my x.
          Clever, well read, great english, shit fucking crazy on every level.

          I honestly think that if you are intellectual here, it is such a place devoid of any intellectuality that you simply end up shit crazy. Are we gringos not shit crazy bitching on a forum where we know our ISP could easily check records and see it was us?
          It really does drive me crazy. But if I was dumb as a bag of rocks, I would just do what they said without questioning it. It is the fact that we are clever enough to say “why the hell do I need to do that? Explain the logic to me, show me a flowchart” but we know that is pointless cause their response would be “whats a flow chart” agggh fuck!

        2. Profile gravatar of TheD
          TheD Post author

          You are lucky if you think it or not.
          Do you know how my intelligent girlfriend tried to end the relationship? At the airport as we entered form a holiday when she handed me a fake ticket. Why? Because she felt I didnt love her and so the best way to end it was to have me arrested by immigration! I fucking kid you not. I still have the ticket as evidence.
          When that didnt work, she left me. When she saw me doing better than she expected, she threatened to murder my gfs kids infront of her and have her raped. When that didnt work she tried to destroy my business and have her mommy contact mine and ask me to go home.
          WHAT? ARE YOU 5 years old? WTF?
          Simply Grade A psychotic shit I have never ever seen in any other country in my life.

      1. Profile gravatar of TheD
        TheD Post author

        Where is as screwed up as this country?

        I hope you all realize that if Catholicism is a true religion, heaven will mostly be populated by pinoys!
        I will be more than happy to be in hell where there will be logic, beer, drugs and great fucking music!

  3. Profile gravatar of 30-30

    To Marius o
    i mean the bdo cashiers actually think that I am stupid enough t o believe their crap.
    Billions of dollars, yen, baht, eros are sent all over the world with a click of a mouse. these peons probably think I should have brought them a wwheelbarrow full of baht and they can send by passenger pigeon.

    1. Profile gravatar of TheD
      TheD Post author

      Do you think a parrot knows why it says what it says? It repeats “who’s a pretty boy then” and gets a cracker each time.
      Likewise the cashier spouts equally illogical nonsense and receives money at the end of the month.
      Whats the difference?
      Do you think a dog knows why it should sit when you say so? It seems the mentality here is to do what you are told and shut the fuck up.
      I had to almost beat my staff so they would voice concerns to me. I told them that they are on the frontline, I need constant and honest updates so I know what is happening, where we are doing it right and where we can improve. After sacking most of them for being utterly fucking useless it worked and the staff were fostered into intelligent members of staff who could both think and act on their own in a logical manner.
      The problem was it pushed them over the edge and they went as shit crazy as me when dealing with local companies.
      That is why I dont think these people are stupid, they are blissfully ignorant. It seems to be better than being intelligent and having to register on wonderful sites like this to talk about our freakout stories. Thank god for this site. I AM NOT ALONE.