Filipino Driving Habits

Going to drive in the Philippines? Here are a few helpful insights as you try to navigate among drivers that would scare Mad Max.

1.) When you buy a single motorcycle first thing you do is to remove the mirrors. Why? No Western mind knows but it seems filipinos hate mirrors on the two wheelers.

2.) Second thing after buying a single motorcycle is to put a colored lense over the headlight. RED seems to be a very popular choice.

3.) The proper way to make a left hand turn is to pull over to the right shoulder, stop then dart across ALL lanes of traffic.

4.) In the event of a traffic jam remember. In the Philippines they think they can get 5 lanes a traffic through one lane with all cars abreast at the same time.

5.) In the event number 4 does fail to work. Please feel free to speed down the sidewalk. After all you are more important than the people walking on it anyway.

6.) When on a four lane highway stay in the left lane. Avoid the right lane at all cost.

7.) In order to pass on a 4 lane road wait until there is oncoming traffic then pull out and take your time. After all oncoming traffic will move for you. The other option is to shoot across the right lane onto the shoulder and pass that way. Again don’t worry about people walking on the shoulder.

8.) No matter how dark, winding or wet the road you are driving on after sunset is you do not need to turn your headlights on. Why should you? Other drivers should see you anyway with their infrared vision.

9.) When you see people trying to cross the street on foot hit your horn then hit the gas then hit the person. But don’t stop, just keep going. After all the crosswalk has no purpose and someone else MIGHT help them if they don’t get up.

10.) In case of accident have your cellphone number handy. Have all your friends and family on speed dial. Why? So they can start their hour plus journey from the house in the province to be a witness how the other driver was at fault.

11.) Don’t worry about the traffic laws. They don’t apply.

12.) Remember, Filipinos do not get into a hurry for anything. That is unless they have control of a vehicle with an engine. THEN and only then they are in a hurry to get where they are going.

13.) Remember, no matter how nice a filipino is, once they get behind the wheel, they not only turn into complete assholes but the biggest assholes you will ever see.

14.) How do Filipinos drive? Close their eyes, shove their heads up their ass as far as they can get it. Sunglasses optional.

Have fun driving in a country that Mad Max refuses to drive in due to fear and overwhelming assholes on the road.

Published in Cultural Rudeness, Filipino Stupidity, Humor


  1. Profile gravatar of Phil Doh
    Phil Doh

    15. Save money on jeepney fares by riding with more friends on motorcycles. Remember the handlebars are not just for steering. If you are a female sit sideways with both legs hanging over one side. This frees up more space and helps balance the motorcycle better.

    16. If riding a motorcycle be sure to wear a crash helmet. It is the law; depending on how may days it is from police salary day. This law does not apply to small children. God will protect them.

    17. Seatbelts should be worn by pulling the top half down under your arm and wearing it alongside the waist belt for more comfort.

    18. Do not listen to myths from abroad – It is completely safe to text whilst driving.

    19. Beep your horn at cars in front of you at red traffic lights. This makes the lights turn green faster.

    20. If you’re worried about safety whilst driving in the Philippines just touch the rosary beads hanging from your mirror every few minutes and cross yourself when you pass a church. You’ll be fine.

  2. Profile gravatar of kalbo

    21. Is your taxi so overused that the door levers have been snapped off? Don’t worry, steal a tea spoon from your local canteen and superglue on to the remaining plastic stub. Job done.

    22. Add as many ornaments to your dashboard as possible. Include the Virgin Mary, angels, devils, pac-nan as well as other shite hanging from your rear view mirror, making it impossible to see where you are going. Not that it actually matters where you are going anyway.

    23. Some advice for those buying a trike. Make sure the roof is only 3 foot above ground level ensuring potential customers over 4 foot tall dont flag you down. Also this ensures all customers will leave your trike “experience” with curvature of the spine, a ruptured spleen and brusing to the face and head.

    24. Consideration to the public must be given when running a fradulent taxi service. Make sure your “taxi” sign can be removed by groping on the roof and pulling it inside. Also ensure you have a fraudulent price list as, of course, you are a “hotel” or “executive” car service, giving you carte blanche to charge whatever you like.

    25. When driving around town on your motorbike, ensure you receive maximum “chick” attention by attaching a load of rope and string to tin cans and empty paint pots that you drag about behind you. Just make sure some little urchin doesnt attach the rope to another vehicle when youre at the stop lights or your chick pulling capabilities will be shot down along with every bone in your body.

    26. Driving in a straight line is for stupid kanos. What you need, is complete failure of your front and rear suspension, worn tracking rods and blown steering rack. This ensures that you’ll impress your pals with massive vibrational feedback through the streering system, chronic oversteer and massive tyre wear.

  3. Profile gravatar of Fr. Bong Bong Jolog Jun III
    Fr. Bong Bong Jolog Jun III

    27. Remove all mufflers and other noise reduction equipment from the exhaust system. Obnoxious noise is a good thing, and the special sound that emanates from a motor cycle with a loud exhaust, makes Pinoys feel like they have a bigger dick than they actually do.
    28. Never turn on your headlights, no matter how dark. Those light bulbs burn up extra fuel, and you may even have to replace the bulbs sometime if you use them. Far better to just kill somebody instead.

  4. Profile gravatar of Fr. Bong Bong Jolog Jun III
    Fr. Bong Bong Jolog Jun III

    29. Get a music system that’s as loud as you can afford. Make sure the speakers are not compatible with the headset, and blow big tears in the speakers – then play at “full distortion” everywhere you travel – no matter the time of day or night. It’s wonderful music after-all, and sharing is a blessing.

    1. Profile gravatar of Sarah

      And at the end of half an hour’s work, Red horse make’s them want to go home to make babies with anyone and everyone, even with non humans!

  5. Profile gravatar of 30-30

    drive on the white line,,,,, that paint is just for decoration anyway.. take up two lanes with one car ,, then wrap your tongue around ur one tooth and say ”tsk” tsk” trapic, sir,, i need more money,,,

  6. Profile gravatar of Sum Dum Joe
    Sum Dum Joe

    snippet from an actual conversation I had with a bartender in Malate:

    Me: (after six SMBs on my way to 12)(don’t judge it’s the only way to cope) “Jesus Christ why is traffic so bad in this city”?
    Bartender: “I know, just imagine how much worse it would be if the Philippines did not have the world’s best drivers”.
    Me: (I am an American, and I lived in Germany for eight years as an adult so I can’t wait to hear this) What do you mean”?
    Bartender: “Think about how many bad drivers are out there and every one has to avoid all of those bad drivers”.
    Me: “You do realize that all of those bad drivers that every one else is avoiding are all other bad Filipino drivers”?
    Bartender: Blank stare as the redundancy error of his argument was just discovered.

    Then he quickly went back to believing that the Philippines has the world’s best drivers because of all the bad drivers that they have to face every day. I guess there is some sort of perverse recursive logic to that way of thinking.

    Welcome to the Failopines!