Going to drive in the Philippines? Here are a few helpful insights as you try to navigate among drivers that would scare Mad Max.
1.) When you buy a single motorcycle first thing you do is to remove the mirrors. Why? No Western mind knows but it seems filipinos hate mirrors on the two wheelers.
2.) Second thing after buying a single motorcycle is to put a colored lense over the headlight. RED seems to be a very popular choice.
3.) The proper way to make a left hand turn is to pull over to the right shoulder, stop then dart across ALL lanes of traffic.
4.) In the event of a traffic jam remember. In the Philippines they think they can get 5 lanes a traffic through one lane with all cars abreast at the same time.
5.) In the event number 4 does fail to work. Please feel free to speed down the sidewalk. After all you are more important than the people walking on it anyway.
6.) When on a four lane highway stay in the left lane. Avoid the right lane at all cost.
7.) In order to pass on a 4 lane road wait until there is oncoming traffic then pull out and take your time. After all oncoming traffic will move for you. The other option is to shoot across the right lane onto the shoulder and pass that way. Again don’t worry about people walking on the shoulder.
8.) No matter how dark, winding or wet the road you are driving on after sunset is you do not need to turn your headlights on. Why should you? Other drivers should see you anyway with their infrared vision.
9.) When you see people trying to cross the street on foot hit your horn then hit the gas then hit the person. But don’t stop, just keep going. After all the crosswalk has no purpose and someone else MIGHT help them if they don’t get up.
10.) In case of accident have your cellphone number handy. Have all your friends and family on speed dial. Why? So they can start their hour plus journey from the house in the province to be a witness how the other driver was at fault.
11.) Don’t worry about the traffic laws. They don’t apply.
12.) Remember, Filipinos do not get into a hurry for anything. That is unless they have control of a vehicle with an engine. THEN and only then they are in a hurry to get where they are going.
13.) Remember, no matter how nice a filipino is, once they get behind the wheel, they not only turn into complete assholes but the biggest assholes you will ever see.
14.) How do Filipinos drive? Close their eyes, shove their heads up their ass as far as they can get it. Sunglasses optional.
Have fun driving in a country that Mad Max refuses to drive in due to fear and overwhelming assholes on the road.Published in