Where Are You Going?

There I was, going home, back to the future! My journey went to Butuan where my flight with Cebu Pacific was going to take me to The Gates of Hell. A place where many demons feed on the tourists who are easy prey. But lets begin with the arrival to Butuan “international” airport. Nothing international about it, but it sounds fantastic saying that word “international” !

When I entered the passenger entrance I noticed the sign “Out of order” on the xray machine which scans the luggage right away. I had just thrown my buck foldable knife (made in the US) in the garbage outside as they wouldnt let me fly with a weapon. I could have kept that one, because since these people here are related to the man of steel, aka superman, they didnt need to check the luggage. They just xray it with their eyes, or maybe its because actually checking the luggage would require work and then they cant just sit on a chair and wave the passengers on. In any case I was as others waved on. Could have had 5 kg. of TNT in my bag or my knife and nobody would have known until I blew up the plane or hijacked it using a knife.

I am not a violent man, never was and dont think I will ever be. Never served in the army and never been to a war zone. But the thought that someone COULD get on a plane and do that doesn’t really back up the words I heard when on the flight “your safety is our concern” give much credibility.

While I was waiting for the flight I was sitting in the passenger area, looking at lcd tvs promoting PI as a fun place to be. And saying that jesus died for us so we could live. God gave his ONLY son to us and all the same crap you hear everywhere here. Also a large painting of Mother Mary with the text “the mother of all nations”. Made me think if someone from Japan, Thailand, India or the muslim coutries would agree with that statement. Probably, since pinoys are NEVER wrong !

Then there is the voice on the speaker saying what I ALWAYS hear when flying with Cebu “your flight is delayed due to blah, blah, blah.” I fly with them like 24 times now and not ONE time have they been on time, I would honestly say if just 1 or more times they had been on time. But I havent experienced that yet and never will since I am not going back to this place again ever.

When the plane finally arrived it only took them 1 hour to unload and board the waiting passengers. The way that happened was all started moving to the gate making a human traffic jam of bodies and carry on luggage you would have to see to believe. I stayed seated, tried that before and the plane wont leave without me when I can sit and look at it not being 25 meters away from me. I guess the pinoys think maybe someone will take their already booked and reserved seat.

Ready for take off ! Fasten seat belts, stewards walking the isle and still had to get luggage from some who didnt understand that it needs to be stored and sitting hugging your backpack isnt the kind of storage they accept on any airplane. Once in the air Cebu has this quiz called “show and tell” and its the steward giving some clues to an item which if you can guess it then you win a shopping bag. Oh I wanted that bag so much, I was determined to get it ! Bring on the questions and it will surely be mine !!!

But first the usual thing. I always get parked at the emergency exit and the stewards ALWAYS comes and asks “in an emergency will you be willing to assist us by opening the hatch?” That question confuses a simple man like me. What will I answer ? “No if the plane crashes I wanna stay seated and burn with the rest of you” or “yes I will assist you and I will also require some sort of payment for this job, even if the emergency never occurs, since I am kinda like a guard on duty.” Or “yes I will assist you and I been studying the construction of this airbus 320 all night and I been taking pilot simulation lessons for weeks so I am fully prepared for this 1 hour 25 min flight mam !”

Now the “win a shopping bag” Quiz !
Steward : what was the reason this flight was delayed
I raised my hand and another steward came and said “yes sir ?”
Me : Incompetence
But that wasnt the right answer. ggggrrrrrrr I felt cheated, it was traffic delayed I was told !

Next question : What sign is on the door to the lavatory on this flight
Again I raised my hand and was asked “yes sir?”
Me : Out of order
But they said it was a no smoking sign. I felt the bag being very far away since that was the last question of the “show and tell” quiz….I forgot for a short while in my hunger for the shopping bag that being a foreigner in this country wont ever get me anything of value, not even a bag !

When we arrived the usual chaos, all wanna get up and move out of the plane as if it was on fire. I had no hurry, still 12 hours waiting for the flight back to freedom and sanity. Once outside I smoked and had the taxi mafia approaching me. They run this scam to get you a taxi for 3 times the regular price.
I felt like fooling around with them as I was going home and now didnt feel like taking more crap from these brain dead idiots. I will call them Tmob, short for taxi mafia people.

Tmob : taxi sir
me : where ?
tmob : taxi sir, over here
me : yes you are right, it IS a taxi there
tmob : blank stare
me : blank stare
tmob : You want taxi sir ?
me : can i have a taxi ?
tmob : you get taxi 650 peso sir
me : thats cheap, I dont want driver, just give me the keys
tmob : blank stare
me : nevermind, I go upstairs and get jeepney for 30 peso

Many get scammed like this, they can go upstairs and get regular taxi for 200 peso or jeepney alot cheaper and even guards, police and airport staff allows these taxi mafia people to operate like that. It is truely more FUN in the Philippines! But there is one requirement. You need to be a retard to see the fun.
Wrote this waiting for my flight out of this hell, away from these devil worshippers, away from the smell, away from this “sick man of Asia”, Away from all the FUN !

Published in Tourism


  1. Profile gravatar of 30-30

    i was looking around the hood to see if i could figure why it floods all the time,, Well, the barangay hall is built in the most perfect location to block the water from going into the canal!! but the y have some holes in the concrete fence to let the water into the canal,,, but they had metal screens on them so the garbage would not get into this smeely,, garbage infested canal!!!
    then I looked at a 30 foot wall the local mafia built so the squatters would not go thru his property.. Actually it was a right of way,, but no matter,,, he did not to see them ..so now my street is the only place the water can go,,, and you guessed the rest.. 3 ft of water in my house every time it rains….

  2. Profile gravatar of 30-30

    When I ask flip ”How is life????,, they all reply that they are poor.. Well who bought that 10,000 pesos koroke machine i hear blasting every payday???
    Answer.. = my cousin works as an ofw and he bought it for me…
    well,, who pays for the electricity to run the koroke,,
    Answer = my brother is a n australian citisen and he sends me money ,,,
    Because becos i am an idiot he does not you in his life. its cheaper to send some pesos than it is to support my useless air stealing carcass in ozzie land

  3. Profile gravatar of FAFI

    I am so relieved that you made it out of this hell-hole in one piece. Yeah, I am aware of the scam taxi services, I usually go upstairs and get the taxi for regular fare unlike some of these unfortunate first timers here. I envy the fact that you were able to see the bullshit of this country a lot sooner than me since I was idiot enough to keep coming back, but it took me one long tour to figure all this shit out. I know as I am writing this, you are probably halfway home to freedom. I totally understand if I don’t see ya around on this blog again since you may wanna completely forget every memory of Philippine’s existence, I probably would too (sorry about that Filofail). Have fun enjoying fresh air, competent/intelligent people, normal traffic, clean streets, and better quality food. I miss it all too, and there is truly nothing fun here. If I’m stupid enough to revisit Philippines after this 3 year visit, it definitely wont be for long term. Enjoy your freedom brother!

    1. Profile gravatar of Pearl Of My Ass
      Pearl Of My Ass

      HI Fafi, you know what ? After 40 days I exit the Land of the Deads (and being back home where it does not smell urine everywhere), I still come here at PFB every day, to read, I guess to nourish the disdain, to keep it satiated. BUT, first and foremost to have a good laugh reading you guys. But maybe for you, after such a long enduring journey of yours, maybe you will need peace 😉

      1. Profile gravatar of FAFI

        Well I might visit every once in a while, but since I wouldn’t have any content to input, I wouldn’t exactly have much reason to revisit after I am finally safe in my sanctuary in the land of the free. Ok, maybe I am exaggerating that a lil bit, LOL. I forgot that America is fucked up too, but it definitely beats this shitty place! This is something for me to look back on, but probably wont be an everyday thing for me like it is now.

  4. Profile gravatar of Disapointed

    What a great tale
    Believe it or not you will be back lol
    I love the phils but in small doses
    Most times when I leave I think maybe next ti,e I will go elsewhere but I always come back not sure why really but I do miss the wild west aspect
    Of The RP driving can be a blast will little law to hold you down

  5. Profile gravatar of jimmy smith
    jimmy smith Post author

    Zub zero temperatures now. I dont plan on getting back for a long time, but yeah dissapointed might be right, one day I will return. But never again to invest or commit myself to the PI in any way. Maybe one short trip when I am visiting Asia again. I had the best flight back talking politics, gun control. US vs EU government and how similiar our western civilizations are. I noticed also after talking to a Norweigan man waiting on a flight like I was in Manila to get out that he had something in common with the American. The thing was when I asked after we said our names and shaked hand that they both were careful thinking about the question
    “how do you like it here in PI ? whats the people here like ?”
    They both said “seems happy and worry free people, Even they have nothing they dont complain much”. When I was asked I shaked my head and said “they are idiots”
    which made them laugh and as we started talking, especially the American he went on talking about their idiocy and he had just been there 3 weeks as aid worker.
    LOL makes me sile now the conversation, first intelligent exchange of words with another real human being who didnt need anything explained. Whos world wasnt just Zombieland and who didnt expect me to buy him cigs, give money, buy booze or in any other way expect payment for a conversation. He asked me at a point in the conversation what my view on what was wrong with not just PI, but most of this region Asia and jokeful and happy going back I replied “problem with Asia is all the asians” made him laugh and agreed, we had some good exchange of chinese jokes and I realised that the pinoys behind us were getting upset over our conversation.
    These pinoys understood English ! Hahahahahaha, on that flight they were minority, try telling me now “if you dont like the Philippines why dont you go home and never come back KANO!” Oh it was a moment to treasure leaving that place, and a young womean from Sweden next to me on the 12 hours back to scandinavia. At first we didnt speak but then we started and I realised something again. I been stupid, cannot have conversation with these pinoys/pinays and I was honestly feeling alone in the relationships I had with the 2 pinays and 1 thai I known since I fisrt came to Asia. No intelligent exchange of words and many needs to be explained or lower the level down to an 11 year olds level by western comparison. And the childish behavior always for me seeming stupid and annoying and not fun and cute as they believe it to be. Zub zero now yeah, but I am back in the present, no typhoons, earth quakes, tricycles, cockroaches, karoke, need to repeat every order when getting somethig in a store, can smell myself and dont feel like in am in a public CR all the time. Clean water in the fauchets, traffic diciplined and modern cars. Oh I could go on and on for YEARS talking about the pleasures of being home !
    I wont be leavig this blog, I owe it alot and like many others I enjoy the laughs I get here. And I got more things to tell and views to offer on topics such as.
    Cruelty to animals, The laughable TeeeVeeee Pa TROLL !, dealing with authorities and living in the province, How to deal with disasters. I wasnt there for short time FAFI, I been there many times, but you are absolutely right, to experience the stupidity in its full force you gotta live there for a few months at the time. I been doing that for 2 and a half years. One day return to see what things look like, maybe in 3 or 5 years time. But I doubt anything have changed. I went by 30 meter rad repair last year in Feb month on the way to Davao to renew visa. 30 meters where there have been landslide, and nothing this 30th Jan had changed when I passed by the same strip. only a barrier saying sorry for the inconvience and then 2 chairs on both sides where 1 man was sitting sleeping with a flag in his hand, red stop light in the humans version acted out by your local retarded pinoy.
    its been taking them 1 year to repair 30 meters of a main road connecting northern Mindanao to southern and an important road to have open and working. But not in zombieland. The trucks were there, 1 bulldozer and many men sitting over in the shade doing what they do best. Nothing. I am sure when I return if ever what I will see is more decay and will be surprised if I see improvements on any level.
    Will be going out today getting some stuff done, I dont expect any pppssssstttt and suddenly no “hey joe, where you going, where you from, whats your salary, can I have cigarettes, its nice to drink this time of day (even morning) lets get a beer and you are paying as always.” Oh oh oh oh, to have escaped the twilight zone and lived to tell the tale. I cant wait for the day where newguys register and share, always good laughs. Dont be shy, nobody here coming after you with their family because you are sharing true experiences that are negative. Not here, do share !

  6. Profile gravatar of 30-30

    i am in the desert now working ,,,, thank god for no jeepneys,,,, smelly streets,,, stereos, noise, motor cycles, street vendors selling crap,, smog like battery acid,, crowds, moa,,, rip off artists,, hey joe u want a shot,, (knowing full well i have to buy 10 x the boose i drink,,,)

  7. Profile gravatar of TheD

    So funny. This has to be the only tropical country in the world with an international airport with NO AIR CONDITIONING! WTF?
    When I first landed here, I seriously thought the airport was on fire.

    While at Cebu, waiting for my plane in the terminal, they had a TV with National Geographic on. It was Air Crash Investigations. The plane was sliding sideways down the runway, fully engulfed in flames. There were no survivors.
    DING! Boarding time! I looked around at the nervous faces.

    They also seem to think that the moment it gets off the runway, its time to stand up even though the seatbelt sign is still on. Fucking annoys me because when the plane comes to a complete stop, the stupid fucker falls over and hits the person sitting down.

    I sit there patiently as they all scramble to be the first off the plane as if it were engulfed in flames. Then I exit the plane as the last passenger, arrive at the baggage carousel where ALL the other passengers were, grab my bag and walk out. Why do they have this “me first” mentality when getting out first does nothing to progress their time?