If You Could Have A Filipino Brain For 5 Minutes…..

Filipino brainThere are times when I really want to understand how the average Filipino can be so mind-bogglingly ignorant and stupid. It really is a phenomenon that has my full curiosity. So much so, that if it were possible to actually have the average Filipino brain in my head for 5 minutes, and be able to remember or recall what it was like, I think I would want to experience it, simply to have a measure of understanding.

But of course, that is not possible. So one can only speculate based on their long term observations and contact with the average Filipino moron, what might (or might not) be going on inside that severely under used chunk of biology inside their skull.

So here is my best speculation. This is what I think I might experience if I could spend 5 minutes with a Filipino brain in my head:

  1. A constant white noise or hum that makes it nearly impossible to process what my eyes see and what my ears hear.

  2. Maximum 3 to 4 second attention span. I would most likely only be able to process the first 3 or 4 seconds of what was seen or heard per sentence or visual data or image. It would be like only hearing the first 3 or so seconds of what someone said to me. If the sentence is short enough to fit in that attention span, no problem. Sentences longer than 3 to 4 seconds would cut off, and my reply would have to be derived only from the information obtained within that initial 3 or 4 seconds. Often resulting in replies that are irrelevant to the conversation, or simply are a non-answer if the sentence was in the form of a question. This COULD explain the epidemic blank stare.

  3. Total freedom from concern or worry about anything whatsoever past, present and future. Nothing seems important. I probably would not understand the concept of importance except for my own desires, wants, and needs. This could be blissful.

  4. Tunnel vision. A complete absence of peripheral vision. Or at best, no ability to process anything in peripheral vision.

  5. Constantly thinking the brakes on the car don’t work and they keep making a loud noise every time I press them… But always realizing JUST IN THE NICK OF TIME before slamming into someone or something that the brakes are the pedal to the left of the accelerator and NOT on the steering wheel. Constantly confusing my brakes for the horn, and my horn for the brakes. Constantly confused as to the appropriate times to use them. 

I’m sure there’s plenty more I could think of, but I just wanted to give a few of my speculations.

Now I would like to hear from you. I would like to see YOUR list of what you might experience if you could spend 5 minutes with a Filipino brain in your head.

Have fun with this one!

Published in Filipino Stupidity


  1. Profile gravatar of 30-30

    hmmmmm,,, maybe i would hear the hum of a mousquito in the middle of the nite…
    or bells ringing when a potential sucker (kano) is my field of vision.
    or bells ringing when a kano asks about the women in da phils,,, and i will promote, sell, pimp,, my mother, sister, aunt,, cussin, maid to him

  2. Profile gravatar of FAFI

    For one, the title of this article is absolutely ridiculous (In a Simon tone of voice). You are better of renaming it,”Foreigners fuck yourselves and jump off a fucking cliff.” Because that’s what I would do prior any possibility of having any Filipino brain entering my head. You know what happens when you insert a 110v electronic into a 220v outlet. Well that’s the kind of affect my body would have with that much of an overload of stupidity taking over my body all at once.

    But on a serious note, maybe I can have some fun with. Let me see, if I had a Filipino brain for 5 minutes…………

    1. I would have a very short span of focus and attention to detail. When I am told by my teacher to shut up, I will stay quiet until the decibel level rises even by a fraction, then I will resume talking again.

    2. I lack discipline and honesty, as soon as the teacher turns his back during an exam, I will quickly open my notes or whisper loudly to my seatmate for the answer, since my teacher is a Filipino and don’t believe in punishment, nothing will happen to me, and I will continue cheating since I couldn’t remember from the night before I had an exam and to study for it.

    3. I don’t know anything about planning ahead, I just do things as they feel comfortable to me. I would show up at my friend’s house without informing him in advance. Then after spending jeepney fare to get to his house and find out he is not at home, but out shopping, I then decide to finally use my phone to find out where he is.

    4. I don’t have enough memory space in my brain to memorize every nationality, so it’s ingrained in my mind to assume that all white guys are Americans, and all black guys are African, and if I am mistaken for a Mexican, I get easily offended and give him a lesson on Pinoy Pride.

    5. I know I am a low life with no credibility, and with no means to accomplish anything in life that is worthy of an appraisal. So to gain recognition, I tell people all over the world how great my national athletes and super stars are, so I look famous for exposing them. It’s the only way of getting my 15 minutes of fame

    1. Profile gravatar of Captain PFB
      Captain PFB Post author

      “You know what happens when you insert a 110v electronic into a 220v outlet. Well that’s the kind of affect my body would have with that much of an overload of stupidity taking over my body all at once.”

      That is HILARIOUS!!!

    2. Profile gravatar of 30-30

      if i wanted a career,, i would the streets searching for omens,,, a piece of pipe means i become a plumber,, wire means i should become an electrician..
      that is a lot better than researching on the internet, Linkedin,,google,, asking people who do the same job or went to the same school..
      besides i am too busy playing games and facebooking

      1. Profile gravatar of SpatandemOhgod

        LOL, and if I push the right button aka the foreigners nerves then I get paid ??depending on where he is from and or how old he/she is is how much I EXPECT man give me some expect guys. give me the expect I deserve

  3. Profile gravatar of Alicia Cummings
    Alicia Cummings

    if i have a filipino brain:

    – i will arrive on any appointment at any time i wish, everybody else has to wait
    – i will borrow money & then lend that money, then spend WAY MORE than i can afford, anyway, my parents should always be there to give me money
    – i will park my car anywhere blocking all traffic & not hearing any blowing of horns
    – i will jaywalk
    – i will climb over steel walls to cross the street illegally, destroy one if i could
    – i will load/unload jeepneys/buses right at the middle of the railroad
    – i will happily ride & sit at the roof of the train (PNR)
    – i will ride a jeepney (a lot of small-minded foreigners do w/ awe!)
    – while in a jeepney, waiting for it to be filled, in the middle of the street, causing miles & miles of traffic, once someone blows a horn I will yell “lumipad ka” (w/c is telling the guy to “fly” because i believe that makes more sense than to ask the jeepney driver to give way to other vehicles to pass by & actually use the street)
    – i will be very excited to work abroad even if it means i’ll just be a maid
    – i will inject myself w/ glutathione to get white skin
    – i will call black people “negro”
    – i will live anywhere i like, doesn’t matter who owns the land, i will build my own house made of carton boxes, i will cry about injustice when i’m asked to leave, i pity those other “informal settlers”
    – i will live on cemeteries
    – i will beg for money or borrow money instead of working
    – everything is the government’s fault, i am poor because of the government, i am lazy because of the government
    – i will vote for actors to occupy government positions
    – i will vote for corrupt politicians, i forget what they’ve done a week ago anyway
    – i will vote for someone just because he/she has a nice ad on tv or just because he/she is the son/daughter of a celebrity
    – i will lie to everyone’s faces because i am “nice”
    – i will go around approaching foreigners asking for money
    – i will buy the latest gadgets even though I’m deep on debt & can’t even pay the rent
    – i can’t pay my rent but will still hold weekly parties, w/ videoke of course, sharing the “noise” to everyone in the neighborhood
    – i believe i am hardworking because i stay late in the office (though I came in really late, i heard filipinos are hardworking so I am as well)
    – i worship celebrities
    – i believe that when actors are “lovers” on-screen they are also lovers in real life…when i hear otherwise i cry to death
    – i watch concerts of actors who cannot carry a tune

  4. Profile gravatar of Spartacus_killingus

    I too have wondered about this. I mentioned it in the the other thread sort of.
    The “Why” behind behavior that is so clearly inconsistent with what the rest ofthe world views inherently as normal, be it in consideration to others, morals, or overall social etiquette.

    After many years here, I have come to the conclusion, that there is no thinking. I simply mean, there is a void of such thought when it comes to those things. All that matters is what is going on in the “NOW”, and nothing else matters. Very much like with young children.

    With young children you often times have t correct them, “Stop being so loud.”, “Pick up your trash/ toys.”, “Don’t ride the dog like a horse.”
    I could go on.
    Comparatively one could say to the average filipino, “Stop being so noisy, you are disturbing others, have some manners.”, Pick up your trash, and dont piss on the wall..”

    There is this very child like mentality, that many filipinos love to claim is Innocence. No……….It’s simply stupidity. It is innocence when a child does it and needs correction. An adult should and usually does know better. Another Pinoy pride fallacy.

    From my window, where I work, I see no less than a dozen people pissing randomly in public. this is no exaggeration. sometimes its less though. Nine times out of ten, one of these men will finish pissing, and turn around dick still in hand shaking it, and casually walk away back to whatever non business he was attending.

    That is behavior indicative of children, NOT grown ass men. Nevertheless, grown men they are. Therefore, I strongly believe that there is NO THINKING going on and that the majority of filipinos are simply mentally deficient.

    Most filipino are smart enough to understand what I just said, and get pissed about it, but not smart enough to see what they are doing is a problem and only part of a larger more vast underlying issue with the whole culture in general..

    Is it genetic?

    Is it education or lack thereof?

    I can only begin to fathom, but to be honest, I dont even give a fuck. They aren’t going to change, they don’t truly comprehend what change means. They are quagmired in the philosophy of taking whatever traits they can find and displaying them as admirable even if they aren’t. I suspect this comes from international insecurity. Insecurity and the need for justification is another child like trait.

    They simply can not see past themselves, to the things that need to be done to make themselves better over all. I do not speak about all filipinos, but only the VAST majority.
    So, incase some filipino local reads this and gets but hurt, all I can say is tough shit…. If the shoe fits, wear it, if not carry on and dont worry about it.

  5. Profile gravatar of Spartacus_killingus

    Minute 1: “Wonder what ehtime et es, Ill just watch de telebisyun, I think de wonderbul actor bice ganda is on now.

    Minute 2: “Oh es’omone es cooking dried peesh, I will just charge my cellpone.

    Minute 3. “I will take a pew selpees pirst, I want eberyone to know Im going to charge my pone.

    Minute 4. ” Ahhhhh, der es somany people who I wish I can be like on pace book, es not pare dat they can enjoy demselves and I am estuck here widout a job. Ill just post a sad selpee wid my expensibe cellpone so eberyone knows Im peeling down.

    Minute 5: Ah Why es my internet es so slow, dis makes no sense. I wish I lib in sa states where de internet is so spuer dooper past, as in as past as can be.. EHHHHHH I der is an espider crawling up de wall, My Rice es burning also..

    Thank God thats over with….

    If anyone needs translations Ill oblige.

  6. Profile gravatar of Captain PFB
    Captain PFB Post author

    I just can’t imagine the non-thought, blankness, ……the void that would occupy my skull.
    I think I would experience an overall unawareness most of the time.

    I think what is spoken from my mouth would come by instinct, driven only minimally by any actual thought.

    I can’t imagine what it would feel like to not have any logic processing ability or ability to reason.

    I don’t think could stand much more than 5 minutes of that.

    It would probably be something like when police officers get tazed so that they know what it feels like. I just wouldn’t want to feel it for very long at all.

  7. Profile gravatar of Tapusnako

    I should imagine it would be like having a huge church bell without the clapper. Of course, you would need to make a prior arrangement with a foreigner, to tell you when the 5 minutes is up. I reckon you would have 5 minutes purely acting on instinct. Piss anywhere, cut in line, don’t pay attention to anything, eat cold food, and, in the argot of Spartacus, beg for “thirty pibe fesos por a red horse”. This thread is hurting my head!

    1. Profile gravatar of SpatandemOhgod

      one quarter (my other proud investment) is dedicated to tearing out the pages of any magazine or paper stating the Philippines is the most corrupt place in Asia. A process in which my brain is partially consumed .

          1. Profile gravatar of SpatandemOhgod

            they were one of the first to invent rice steps on mountains. most ofw’s in the universe? ah bah im angry already

          2. Profile gravatar of Spartacus_killingus

            Well, They have that to be proud of I suppose, I mean it is rather impressive. << Rice terraces.

            OFW's………. Not so much to be proud of.

            Saw a article stating that the Philippines is the worlds first in "love". Some of the commentary was so absurd I thought I would have an aneurysm. Needless to say it made me wonder what exactly are filipinos really good at. Ya know, that isn't ridiculous.

            Ill give them the rice terraces, thats impressive and I suppose if they want to be proud of something that would be good. Not sure how it extends to other parts of their existence.

          3. Profile gravatar of SpatandemOhgod

            the love thing is clearly not true, (it must be an advertising scam from some politically corrupt sources) today I was in the registry for family law events because I was asking about a divorce and seriously the woman behind the counter said (after I said that all the young girls from my wife’s country marry older guys ONLY for money, like im totally in shock to her but dusty you know..daggers in my back with treasure maps on their blade) the woman behind the counter said “yes I know that, we get a lot of young women here that want a divorce but are told they must be separated for one year” we get a lot of those young girls from your wife’s country with older partners they wish to divorce, so the young girls are very seriously getting their older guy to pay for a visa (scam huh) then divorcing for 280 dollars when they get here. Just to get to another country in a legal way.

            I would say the love thing was a paid advertisement n this day of unscrupulous target audiences.

      1. Profile gravatar of 30-30

        to spatan
        You must a whole library full of paper about corruption, crooked cops, murders, rapes, armed robberies…
        these newspapers are not worth buying. same old stories ,, different names.

  8. Profile gravatar of SpatandemOhgod

    1. I will think about old penis that is the number one thing on my mind all day (boom boom) and into the night (boom boom). and It puts me in a moist zombified slumber state that repeats with a nice drum beat and symbols.

    1. Things will repeat in my mind after a few seconds of listening that make me frustrated to a degree, which is my first degree, and states I must instead of listening use my mouth in some fashion that represents my needs.

    1. I forget, while using my brain simultaneously I also add for before give, to make forgive. Also making this the first family addition.

    1. My life works in a join the dots fashion and is simplified to make only necessary movements between family members as a legal wife to eat sleep and instruct from my bed in a colourful fashion which decreases the grey matter in my brain and adds vivid colour and happiness and emotion to my life. so I can function watching the legal wife during dribbles double dribbles etc..

    1. I use my foreigner to speak for me in every possible circumstance that dictates usefulness, unless the gains are too great in which I need to talk for myself.

    1. I will make it to number one next year in the who talks the most is best family award even though everyone was hard to beat last year.

    1. I am proud pinoy all the rest are background noys, I am pi to the power of 2.

    1. You people are nothing without me, I am a demigod with no god but god before me.

    blah blah

  9. Profile gravatar of Not Joe
    Not Joe

    You guys act like understanding the filipino brain is rocket science. It’s not. It’s very simple. There is only one thing the filipino things of. That is “me”. That’s the only thing they understand. Every thought and action is driven by “me”. Even if it appears they are being selfless, they are not. Have you ever seen a filipino quietly do something for someone and not expect anything in return?

    They are smart, they think. They are constantly thinking of how can I get something with little investment. Experts at coming up with excuses for everything. Experts at manipulating.

  10. Profile gravatar of SpatandemOhgod

    no posts for a whole day, are u guys pu$$y whipped? hey are u guys ok?

    I was thinking..im not even an intellectual by any means, in fact I like boxing and im pretty stupid, im a nice guy because every days the right day with me, you know.

    but the sheer stupidity of the uh the Filipina woman sometimes is amazing. Today I went in to the family courts register to get divorce papers. And I felt desperate when I got to the counter things calmed down a little when she told me the total cost was 280 dollars, but right wen I was about to tell the register of the horrors I faced at home like say Jhon Travolta and Nicholas cage shared in face off the movie, my wife walks in!!! aaarg I think I screamed a short high pitched wail, and then I said I would like to remain anonymous because I just payed 4750 dollars for a permanent visa for this woman and it would be a waste if she couldn’t stay here with her baby routine.

    ah shit sorry guys my wife just gave me a thousand things to do, I have to get her a life…this ended up totally off topic, but you know it would have ended well but I can end by saying .

    metaphorically if u could describe nothing…then being politically correct and metaphorically comparing that to being dumber than a Filipina visa trooper, hold on I got mental withdrawal syndrome from my last visit I need to medi t ate

  11. Profile gravatar of 30-30

    i went for a shave…. how much??? 50 pesos,,,,,when it come time to pay,, this tambay wants a 100 pesos,,,,bakit, i said??? becos i used 4 blades for my shave,, very hard,, sir…. this dopehead that shaved me never changed his blades at all cos i was watching him,,, i paid 60 pesos and left
    i suppose he thinks kano’s whiskers are harder than filips whiskers,
    serves me right for not going to my regular barber…..
    shoot me dead

  12. Profile gravatar of ONG

    Well. I am living with a pinoy at my house.
    Currently based in Malaysia.
    Is it true that pinoys generally pick on small things and exaggerate it to a major level?
    This guy is picky and paste posters around that contains instructions on what to do. The thing is, it would be so much easier to have told us what exactly he wants. I find that pinoys always tend to “overdo” things. But then miss the point all together. If say he had told us directly why our actions are affecting him instead of posting meaningless posters, we would get the point. I mean we are adults anyway.

    Then when people make a mistake, he would exaggerate it. Like saying that this person make the mistake 20 times when he never even tell the person what was wrong in the first place.

    Notice that he is also a “cleanliness” freak. Like even if there’s some stain in the toilet, he make a great fuss.

    I think it’s more of inferiority complex then other thing.