I don’t get out much anymore these days. And it’s not because I’m sick or crippled or anything like that (well, maybe because I’m sick; sick of dealing with the hair-pulling frustrations of the rudeness, ignorance, traffic, and mind-blowing stupidity the moment I step out my front door). It’s because I finally found a nice big roomy house, well away from the city noise and dirty air, well away from neighbors, in a secluded, quiet, and peaceful location in clean fresh air.
After my first 6 months here, I began to dream about how great it would be to just live in a place where you wouldn’t have to hear or go out into the jungle of jeepneys and jerks, and would be pretty self-contained, and would be a pleasure to just stay home. About 20 months ago I found that place. My hired helper does all the “going out” for me. I stay home in the peace and quiet tranquility as much as possible, and it’s proven to be much better for my sanity, happiness, and peace of mind.
Only now and then does a hint of cabin fever lightly brush against me. So today was one of those rare occasions I venture out into the raging sea of stupidity.
So my helper and I finished one errand, and the next is just a short trip, so he convinces me to just hop on a Jeepney. I abhor Jeepneys. They are disgusting havens of bacteria and viruses. But I agreed and we picked one that wasn’t too packed in like a pig hauling truck, and we were on our way to our next stop. But of course, not before two teens who haven’t bathed in about 2 weeks jumps in, one sits directly opposite of me, facing me. He begins doing that crap with his mouth like a beat box, and every 3rd beat is like blowing a raspberry “BOOM CHIKKA PPPPPFFFT CHIKKA BOOM PPPPPFFFT PPPPTTT…” as his spit is flying into my face. His buddy is talentlessly rapping some indistinguishable shit while his buddy is spitting in my face with every third beat.
This filthy talentless duo (thankfully) stops after about 30 seconds of this “song” which I’ve titled “What The Fuck Was That???” and proceeds to hold their hands out for money. When he specifically asked me for money, I returned the question with, “You sit there and spit in my face for 30 seconds and now you want me to give you money?” Bet you all can guess what came next….
Everyone, together in unison…
So after that horrific encounter, we finally arrive at our next stop; the grocery store. We made our way through the isles of ignorance, found what we needed (less the out of stock items, and there’s ALWAYS out of stock items), and made our way to the counter of discourtesy to check out.
My helper stayed to watch the Filipina cashier, who’s facial expression looked as if she was in a severe state of clinical depression, grab each item and scan them through as if she was in a severe state of clinical depression (or on quaaludes). I couldn’t stand to watch the sloth anymore, so I went back toward the entrance to wait for him and saw this display of Christmas gift baskets.
I know we have all seen or even received gift baskets before from friends or acquaintances. I’ve gotten them; eloquently arranged in a bed of decorative paper “grass”, either beautiful vibrant shiny fresh fruits or fine summer sausages and quality REAL cheeses. So I went to take a closer look at these baskets.
WTF?? These baskets are filled with emergency disaster food items; unperishable yet disgusting canned meats and fucking beans! WHO GIVES BEANS FOR CHRISTMAS??? Do people eat this shit unless to survive a fucking disaster? Have you ever eaten a can of CDO Corned Beef or Argentina Meat Loaf in a can? Dog food tastes better! And some imbecile Filipino thought it would be a good idea to “eloquently arrange” CANNED MEATS, BEANS, a sache of DRY POWDERED JUICE MIX, and other CANNED CRAP that we all have too much of anyway in the far reaches of our pantry in the event of a disaster. WHO ACTUALLY EATS THIS SHIT???
“What’s for dinner tonight dear?”
“I’m preparing a wonderful meal of CANNED MEAT LOAF AND BEANS and I’m pairing it with a vintage 2007 fake mango juice dear! I have been slaving here in the kitchen for at least 5 minutes! You should have seen the expertise way I opened the tin can my lovey! And the way I stirred the DRY MANGO DRINK POWDER would have made your mouth water!” It was all given to us as a Christmas gift from our wonderful neighbor! Wasn’t that nice of them?”
Yet some fucking brilliant Filipino thought it would be “nice” to arrange cans of SHIT in a basket and pass it off as a Christmas gift. I swear I was looking all over for a sign somewhere on the display saying, “Gag Gift Baskets” or “The perfect gift for someone you really don’t like”. But remembering I’m in Philippines, it all made sense. I think if they gathered all the dog shit from around the outside of the building and eloquently arranged the sun baked turds in a basket on a bed of paper grass, Filipinos would buy it.
I really should get out a bit more if not for any other reason but blogging content. At least the time outside today was good for something, right?Published in