♫ I’m Dreaming Of A Canned Meat Christmas ♫ ♪ ♫

I don’t get out much anymore these days. And it’s not because I’m sick or crippled or anything like that (well, maybe because I’m sick; sick of dealing with the hair-pulling frustrations of the rudeness, ignorance, traffic, and mind-blowing stupidity the moment I step out my front door). It’s because I finally found a nice big roomy house, well away from the city noise and dirty air, well away from neighbors, in a secluded, quiet, and peaceful location in clean fresh air.

Philippines jungle of jerksAfter my first 6 months here, I began to dream about how great it would be to just live in a place where you wouldn’t have to hear or go out into the jungle of jeepneys and jerks, and would be pretty self-contained, and would be a pleasure to just stay home. About 20 months ago I found that place. My hired helper does all the “going out” for me. I stay home in the peace and quiet tranquility as much as possible, and it’s proven to be much better for my sanity, happiness, and peace of mind.

Only now and then does a hint of cabin fever lightly brush against me. So today was one of those rare occasions I venture out into the raging sea of stupidity.

So my helper and I finished one errand, and the next is just a short trip, so he convinces me to just hop on a Jeepney. I abhor Jeepneys. They are disgusting havens of bacteria and viruses. But I agreed and we picked one that wasn’t too packed in like a pig hauling truck, and we were on our way to our next stop. But of course, not before two teens who haven’t bathed in about 2 weeks jumps in, one sits directly opposite of me, facing me. He begins doing that crap with his mouth like a beat box, and every 3rd beat is like blowing a raspberry “BOOM CHIKKA PPPPPFFFT CHIKKA BOOM PPPPPFFFT PPPPTTT…” as his spit is flying into my face. His buddy is talentlessly rapping some indistinguishable shit while his buddy is spitting in my face with every third beat.

This filthy talentless duo (thankfully) stops after about 30 secondsfuck you of this “song” which I’ve titled “What The Fuck Was That???” and proceeds to hold their hands out for money. When he specifically asked me for money, I returned the question with, “You sit there and spit in my face for 30 seconds and now you want me to give you money?” Bet you all can guess what came next….

Everyone, together in unison…

blank stareBLANK STARE

So after that horrific encounter, we finally arrive at our next stop; the grocery store. We made our way through the isles of ignorance, found what we needed (less the out of stock items, and there’s ALWAYS out of stock items), and made our way to the counter of discourtesy to check out.

My helper stayed to watch the Filipina cashier, who’s facial expression looked as if she was in a severe state of clinical depression, grab each item and scan them through as if she was in a severe state of clinical depression (or on quaaludes). I couldn’t stand to watch the sloth anymore, so I went back toward the entrance to wait for him and saw this display of Christmas gift baskets.

I know we have all seen or even received gift baskets before from friends or acquaintances. I’ve gotten them; eloquently arranged in a bed of decorative paper “grass”, either beautiful vibrant shiny fresh fruits or fine summer sausages and quality REAL cheeses. So I went to take a closer look at these baskets.

Shit gift baskets in PhilippinesWTF?? These baskets are filled with emergency disaster food items; unperishable yet disgusting canned meats and fucking beans! WHO GIVES BEANS FOR CHRISTMAS??? Do people eat this shit unless to survive a fucking disaster? Have you ever eaten a can of CDO Corned Beef or Argentina Meat Loaf in a can? Dog food tastes better! And some imbecile Filipino thought it would be a good idea to “eloquently arrange” CANNED MEATS, BEANS, a sache of DRY POWDERED JUICE MIX, and other CANNED CRAP that we all have too much of anyway in the far reaches of our pantry in the event of a disaster. WHO ACTUALLY EATS THIS SHIT???

“What’s for dinner tonight dear?”

“I’m preparing a wonderful meal of CANNED MEAT LOAF AND BEANS and I’m pairing it with a vintage 2007 fake mango juice dear! I have been slaving here in the kitchen for at least 5 minutes! You should have seen the expertise way I opened the tin can my lovey! And the way I stirred the DRY MANGO DRINK POWDER would have made your mouth water!” It was all given to us as a Christmas gift from our wonderful neighbor! Wasn’t that nice of them?”

Yet some fucking brilliant Filipino thought itbasket of shit would be “nice” to arrange cans of SHIT in a basket and pass it off as a Christmas gift. I swear I was looking all over for a sign somewhere on the display saying, “Gag Gift Baskets” or “The perfect gift for someone you really don’t like”. But remembering I’m in Philippines, it all made sense. I think if they gathered all the dog shit from around the outside of the building and eloquently arranged the sun baked turds in a basket on a bed of paper grass, Filipinos would buy it.

ok emoticonI really should get out a bit more if not for any other reason but blogging content. At least the time outside today was good for something, right?

Published in Blatant Stupidiy, Common Discourtesy, Filipino Stupidity


  1. Profile gravatar of

    So..my comment to this post is multilayered actually. I am in total agreement with you about the quality of these heinous baskets. As you said, I have received them but they remain piled up on top of cabinets or gladly given away to visiting family members that ask about them. Last year during Christmas my wife and I were talking about what to give the security staff of our subdivision. I suggested Barcardi – she suggested the gift baskets and won. We actually bought just one for the head of security, and the others received the Bacardi Rum. When we handed over the gifts, the security head cried at the site of basket. He was so grateful and mentioned that his family would in fact eat that food on Christmas morning. Here was this tall, strong, and professional man in charge of our safety reduced to tears over a collection of canned meatloaf, beans, and corned beef. It was an incredible WTF moment because it was then when I also learned what this man was making per week – well below the stated minimum wage. While I understand that this is normal business “practice” here, this was the first time that I saw the effects of it on someone that I consider a friend.

    The issues in this country run seriously deep and I wonder how long the people will allow these morons to run it. I guess until they start demanding accountability and lose the “oh well..that’s just how it is” attitude.

    1. Profile gravatar of Captain PFB
      Captain PFB Post author

      I do realize this country has MILLIONS of people who would be glad to have one of those baskets. And that’s sort of the underlying point of my article.

      People will buy those crap baskets for 150p for a few of the needy, but will surely blow 50,000 on gadgets and crap their kids don’t need. There were no other choices of baskets. Just looked like they took all their expiring stock and threw them in a basket.

      I was looking for a bigger basket with something of quality, something I MYSELF would eat to give to our security people and needy acquaintances.

      1. Profile gravatar of

        Totally understand your point…and agree with it 100%. My intention was surely not to discredit your article, just to share some perspective that I was afforded in relation to those baskets.

        I am facing the same dilemma as last year this Christmas in fact, and I will NOT be doing the basket thing again for the very same reasons you specified.

  2. Profile gravatar of TightWired

    When I read the line “These baskets are filled with emergency disaster food items”, my first thought was some body stole a bunch of Typhoon relief supplies and then re-sold them. Anyone want to take bets…???
    Yep it’s the Xmas season. The time of year when every foreigner dreads the “Merry Christmas SIR”…with the hand thrust out to you. I’ve lived here long enough that I just give them the “no” handshake and keep walking. If they persist, a soft elbow to the head also works (oops sorry about that bro). Or I say “Merry Christmas” and stick my hand out before they do…Yep you guessed it….”Blank Stare” in return.

  3. Profile gravatar of FAFI

    I know exactly what you mean, I tried CDO corn beef and I did not like it at all. If my ‘SHIT’ had the ability to take a ‘SHIT,’ it would shit out CDO corn beef. I bought two cans of it, after sampling a little bit it went straight to the wastebasket! I let my idiot wife eat the other one, her standards for food is about the same as her standards for education, so I know she will eat it. I never tried the Argentina meat loaf yet, but I have to admit that their Argentina corn beef isn’t so bad. If it really is bad and I don’t know, it’s mainly because I haven’t had much experience eating corn beef. My breakfast meat product in America normally consisted of Bacon or Sausage, never corn beef. Well I’m tired of talking about food, I’m making myself hungry.
    As for what happened to you in the Jeepney wasn’t a surprise. One thing I hate about Filipino culture is ‘forced tips.’ Well your situation may not have been forced, since you in no way had any obligation to donate to his awful source of entertainment, but I do hate jeepneys though. I always make jeepney references when put in a situation when I’m confined in a small space. Well anyway, as far as forced tips goes, I use to put myself in situation in the past where I am forced to give a tip, and if I didn’t tip, I found myself engaging in some sort of pointless argument that results in me losing due to me being a foreigner surrounded by idiot Filipino spectators. I will give you an example of one of my experiences:

    I was flying inbound to Butuan from Manila. Before I continue, do we all agree that Philippines has the world’s worst international airport, which was already researched last month by a member on here? So with that knowledge, we can agree that their national airports are just as shitty right? Ok, just wanted to get that out of the way….. back to the story… I landed in Butuan, there was no luggage dock claim for passengers, so I’ve been wondering, “Where the hell is my luggage.” This grounding crew employee pulls up with a cart of luggage, I immediately identified my bag, and as soon as I went to grab it, some fuckin Airport Dick snatches it before I was able to get my hands on it! For a moment I thought I was getting robbed, because I’ve seen other passengers freely acquiring their luggage from the cart. Well this guy starts hauling my luggage away and I was trailing him with my fists tight. Then he finally stopped as he approached the taxi stand. I’m sure we can all guess what happens next right? Yep! He asks for a tip! Let me get this straight, he puts me in a panic situation having me thinking I was getting robbed just because he wanted to roll my luggage 30 meters to the stand, which is something I am fully capable of doing myself! Due to the great unfortunate company of my idiot wife, she tells me to tip him for helping me roll my luggage away. To avoid conflict, I gave him 5 pesos to shut him up. Then that fucker has the nerve to look down at the coin, then look back at me with the booty-face as if I didn’t tip him enough. I was already tempted to bash him right in the face, so I got in the taxi before I did anything stupid. Stupid in a sense of getting involved with law enforcement or disrupting any international peace treaties. IMO, he would’ve deserved it if I did. Filipinos don’t understand that they are giving themselves a bad name globally, yet they try to sugar-coat it by using Manny Pacquiao and Megan Young as endorsements delusion the world into thinking that Philippines is such a great place. But we all can see past the bullshit right? Well anyway, it’s 5:30 in the morning and I haven’t gotten any sleep yet. Been drinking too much monster to compensate for the hypnotic effects of alcohol, sorry but I wasn’t ready to sleep when I got home last night… lol. But I am now! Good morning PFB!