Hi there! I’m Phil, and I’m a complete Filipino douche.
I am your typical Filipino idiot. You’re likely to see me standing or sitting next to the road, or hell, even ON the road, watching traffic go by. That’s my favorite thing to do. Sometimes I nap by the road. That’s entertainment for me because I’m thick as a fucking brick. I can just stand there watching traffic all fucking day, every day.
I guess if I had a job I would have something worthwhile to do, but I’m sure glad I don’t because I’m lazy as fuck! There are no jobs here anyways because the economy is shit and the government is hopelessly corrupt. Let’s face it, the politicians are just like me – they only care about themselves. Budget for road maintenance? Let’s just slide that money right into the ol’ pocket. Ahhh… feels good! Fuck everyone else that has to drive over roads that look like they’ve been carpet-bombed. Nice country, eh? I’m so proud to live here. I’m so proud to be Filipino!
I don’t need a job because my son is an OFW and makes plenty of money abroad. He works his ass off to support my worthless, lazy carcass. Lucky for me that he believed all the lies I told him that it was his duty to support me after finding work. Ha! What an idiot, just like me. He’s slaving away right now overseas while I’m lazing in this hammock. You gotta love it. Sometimes I have to reinforce the conditioning when the payments drop off a bit. Usually I just make some shit up like “Mother needs medicine” or “Sis needs to buy expensive text books.” Works like a charm every time. What a moron!
If it’s sunny I’ll throw a white washcloth over my head. Voila! Instant hat! Sometimes I’ll even expend a few calories of effort and tie a knot at the back so it won’t blow off in the slightest breeze, but only if I’m not feeling too lazy. Ha! Who am I kidding? I’m always too lazy to do that.
That white towel is multipurpose, and shows the true genius of Filo ingenuity. If it gets really hot I like to lay it down my back underneath my shirt and fold the end over the collar. It’s a fashion statement, and has the added benefit of making me look like the true imbecile I am.
To add to that appearance of utter stupidity, I like to hike the front of my shirt up over my bulging pot belly for a little DIY air-conditioning. I walk around all day like that, often with a tooth pick in my mouth and a smirk on my face because I know what a hopeless retard I really am, and I just don’t care. I don’t care if you point out a better way. I’m sticking with my way come hell or high water. I’m Filipino. That’s what I do.
I love to drink Red Horse and sing karaoke at ear-splitting decibels. I can’t sing but I don’t care. It’s loud and we Filipinos are all noise-loving idiots. We love noise because we hate to think – it’s hard. Noise solves that problem by making it impossible to think. So crank up the volume and erase thought altogether – works for me. Besides, I gotta have SOMETHING to fill that vacancy between my ears! Noise pollution does it just fine!
What really makes my day is when I get a chance to cough at an Amerikano. Here in the Philippines, every foreigner is an Amerikano because we’re all too stupid and lazy to bother learning geography. Yeah, I really love to deliver an over-the-top, lung-expelling hack to an Amerikano. Sometimes I follow that up with a fake sneeze and a few throat-clearings. It just depends on my mood at the time. Boy! It really makes my day when I do that because I have the maturity of an infant. I’ve heard that in other countries people actually continue to mature as they age. Crazy, huh? Not here. The Philippines is a country of arrested development, and no adult you see has maturity above the level of a toddler. “I want this!” “I want that!” “ME! ME! ME!”
As you can probably tell by now, I’m a turd of a person with absolutely no moral compass whatsoever. That’s why I hold the standard of Catholicism so high – to compensate for my Godless ways. I’ve never read the Bible and have absolutely no understanding of what it means to lead a moral life. There’s no need for that as I have all I need in the appearances of those things. I have all the trappings of religion – the icons, the bumper sticker scriptures, etc. Behind those things I can hide my true, morally repugnant nature, even though I suspect that anyone who has a few sparking neurons can figure me out pretty quickly. Lucky for me there’s no Filipinos that match that description!