Need For Speed

The Need For Speed

Everything in the Land of the Not Quite Right never ceases to amaze me. As if corruption and total inability to take 1 step forward without taking 2 steps back isn’t enough…..the IT sector in the Failippines is right up there at the bottom when it comes to incompetent service and the ability to piss off the Pope.

The whole premise of the IT sector is to put out a utopian idea for how fast things are capable of….and then follow that premise up with just enough potholes in the road to insure that the customer can’t reach those utopian goals. This inability to provide quality service permeates society, and has become the status quo for the typical Failipino, so much so that the quality of the service is never questioned, only the speed.


Me: Is this car reliable?

Car Dealer: It goes 0-80 in 10 seconds!

Me: Yes, but is it reliable?

Car Dealer: It goes 0-80 in 10 seconds…Yes it is reliable!

Me: Can you explain what your idea of reliable is?

Car Dealer: 0-80 in 10 seconds! This car is a beast, Sir!


Jun: How fast does this car go?

Car Dealer: It goes 0-80 in 10 seconds!

Jun: Sold.

The IT industry here in The Land of the Not Quite Right is no exception to this need for speed. They prey on the clueless masses using only 1 idea:   SPEED. If it is fast…it must be good! If you can access Facebook in 32 seconds flat….it must be good! Matter-of-fact, the more uneducated the customer is…the more they need SPEED to compensate for their IT ignorance!

My recent experiences with my ISP here just reinforce the prevalent “need for speed” mentality here. I pay a lot for my 10Meg bandwidth here in the Land that Time Forgot. But that doesn’t guarantee good service…only speed. Even the speed is not guaranteed, although that is how the service is marketed. Recently, after more than 1 week of terrible internet connection, I called my ISP Customer Service phone number. I was greeted on the phone by a smart-ass rep (probably still using pimple pads) who asked me:


Me: I have been experiencing very bad internet connection lately, and I was wondering what is being done to solve the problem in my area?


Me: Yes, certainly! My name is (insert disgruntled Barbarian name here).

PIMPLE-FACED HIGH TECH SERVICE REP: Thank you Sir, I see you have an account with us! How can I help you?

Me: (I just love repeating myself) I have been experiencing very bad internet connection lately, and I was wondering what is being done to solve the problem in my area?

PIMPLE-FACED HIGH TECH SERVICE REP: I see, Sir. Sir, can I have you turn off your modem and router so I can check the line?

Me: Well, I did that last night and the night before, but sure, whatever!

PIMPLE-FACED HIGH TECH SERVICE REP: I’ll call you back in 5 minutes after I check the line.

15 minutes pass by…no phone call….I turn my modem back on and call the Pimplefaced wonderkid.

Me: I’ve already run a ping test from my home to your central server location. The Latency is triple digit, way too many RTOs, and average 15% packet loss to the server location. I can’t even connect to the internet! Oh, by the way…thanks for calling me back!

PIMPLE-FACED HIGH TECH SERVICE REP: You are more than welcome Sir. I see. (At this point, I can detect that he doesn’t have a frigging clue what I’m talking about) Well, Sir…can I get you to run a speed test?

Me: (Temperature rising very fast) I just told you I can’t connect to the internet due to high latency and packet loss.

At this point…….I hang up on the Pimple-faced wonder.

I know, I know…this is a rant…but I can’t help but shake my head at the need for speed here in the Land of the Not Quite Right.

Published in Filipino Customer Service


  1. Profile gravatar of Fr. Bong Bong Jolog Jun III
    Fr. Bong Bong Jolog Jun III

    You spoke to an indescribably stupid, brain-dead-zombie-creature. That’s the only kind of employees that Failippines ISP’s have. You know when you’re in the west, and you get put through to a Failipino call center to solve your problem, and how incredibly incompetent those people are? They are in fact the best and brightest that the Failippines has to offer. The people who were too stupid and inept to get a job in a foreign owned call center work for local companies, like your ISP.

    They are sorry for the inconvenience, Siiiiir.

    1. Profile gravatar of Phil Doh
      Phil Doh

      Are the employees any smarter at foreign owned call centers?

      The best thing about that article is the hilarious comments like this beauty:

      Duke of York of philippines:
      Well all i can say is we Filipino’s is better than other country, because were trained and we are intelligent than aussie people. Thats why telstra outsource and bring job to the Filipino’s..

      1. Profile gravatar of Don Quixote
        Don Quixote

        As a share holder in Telstra I have contacted them regarding their deranged idea of entering into a partnership with San Mig to establish a third tier of mobile internet in the Philippines.
        I made references to the high quality education as displayed by Duke of Fucking York.
        The rip off partnership they will encounter and advised them I will be selling my shares immediately they get into bed with any FLIP company .
        OK OK they have a call center here, but so does every fucking telco in Australia,
        At least they sound better over the phone than the fucking Indians.

  2. Profile gravatar of Phil Doh
    Phil Doh

    PLDT? If you ever want to see how retarded the country is get into an email conversation with PLDT customer service. The country’s most profitable company can’t even employee people with half a brain cell between a whole department. Whereas most companies in the world set up an auto-responder for emails, PLDT will have a moron manually send a reply out about 24 to 48 hours later just to let you know they have received your email. Here is a copy and paste response I received many times:

    Good day.
    This is to acknowledge receipt of your email regarding your follow up concern.
    We shall keep you posted for further developments pertaining on your query below.
    This concern is now on our priority list.
    Our apology for the inconvenience. Thank you.

    I once replied to that with: “This is to acknowledge receipt of your email which acknowledged the receipt of my email” and the dumb fuckers replied with the exact same email acknowledging receipt of my email.

    Like everything in the failippines they copy other countries and then it’s as if some imbecile thinks, “Hey, I think we can add a few things to this system which has no sound logic whatsoever, will make things more frustrating for the customer and more time consuming for us and them.”

    1. Profile gravatar of Hey Joe
      Hey Joe

      “The country’s most profitable company can’t even employee people with half a brain cell between a whole department.”

      And this is why they are so profitable.
      Add to it the fact they have a near monopoly, and the Gov in their hip pocket. No wonder why customer service is zero.

      Was a big stink about PLDT many yrs ago selling millions of shares of PLDT stock on the American NY stock exchange. I even owned some in a mutual fund back in the early 2000.
      Why is that a big deal??? It’s the same law that bites us foreigners in the ass about no Co can be more than 40% owned by foreigners.
      PLDT is WAY more than 40% foreign owned via the share sales.
      This has been 100% ignored by the Phil Gov. Like that would be a surprise any of you here 🙂

      It’s like any other publicly traded Co. Contrary to popular thought. A Co is beholden to it’s share holders first. Not it’s customers.
      The best customer service is usually found in a private Co. Well……. In a real country anyway 🙂

  3. Profile gravatar of 30-30

    Has anybody heard if Destiny cable is going to fix their repairs?? It got cut off for repairs 3 weeks ago. Maybe it got sold out to another Cable comapny????

  4. Profile gravatar of Johnny

    I just saw a shameless article on tge paper yesterday promoting bongbong Marcos. Like 25 irrelevant facts about him “you didn’t know”.
    Like number 15 stated how impressed he was with the Internet in Japan. He said he was able to download to movies from his hotel to the airport and was so amazed at their internet speed.
    Now, back when his parents were running a nice little dictatorship, they pretty much took over large shares of PLDT. I think it just came out recently that they still own the shares. So the Marco family is still large shareholders in the nations monopoly on internet. So this moron is so amazed at the speed and quality of another country, but won’t provided for his own country.

  5. Profile gravatar of BLX2

    From my experience with different services and things I read this appears to be what is going on. You may already know this or figured it out.
    PLDT owns the backbone and controls all the internet going out of/into the country, all other ISP’s have to go through PLDT’s line to the rest of the world.
    More detail on this cluster fuck here: (Also tells how PLDT is fucking over the other ISP’s as well as all internet customers here in Fail Land)
    The trunk line out of the country is way over saturated. So when you get a 10mb plan from a ISP, that 10mb speed is only to servers based in the Phil’s (local traffic). The majority of the time you may be lucky to be able to get a steady 1mb to servers outside the country from your 10mb connections. From about 6pm thru 11pm/12am that speed most of the time slips below 1mb, sometimes WAY below for your 10mb connection. After midnight and into the wee hours of the morning you may experience much better speeds, on a very good night it may even hit 4 to 5mb, if you happen to be up at 2 to 4am. Starting Friday night through to midnight Sunday all bets are off.

    Now if you are using mobile internet, traffic to outside of the country really slows down, they don’t call it Slow Bro (Same problem with Globe and Sun) for nothing. Often it is only in the double digits of kb’s, sometimes worse, again in the wee hours you just may get 1mb or a little above, local traffic at 360Kb or below to as high of about 3 to 4mb in the wee hours. Do you think they’re severely throttling mobile internet? I had a sim that a couple of years ago went rouge. It actually hit speeds as high as 10mbs for local traffic and 2 to 3mbs to U.S. servers. Sometimes it even took off when my plan ran out and kept on trucking, as long as I didn’t disconnect from the internet it would keep going a week to 10 days, during that time it maintained very high speeds. A little payback for all the load and service they have and continue to rip me off for. A FilFail actually in my favor. Unfortunately last November they must of caught it and shut it down 🙁 Only took a year and a half for them to figure it out.

    Conjecture: I notice SMART pushes Facebook, I also notice that FB often loads fairly quick when other connections outside just fail. I am guessing they are cashing FB pages to their servers, including your previous FB sessions. That way they don’t have to use the line outside the country. That would explain why you can hit FB when all else fails. Google almost always works, even more reliable than FB, but that is a local Google, when you can’t pull up Google you know you’re fucked. But while Google will work during slow times none of the links on Google will work. FB on mobile also often is funky, can only pull up one or to pages of newsfeed and/or the messaging connection to all your friends will not connect. And this is a service they seem to give precedence to.

    Does anyone have a more inside scoop on news servers? I use one that has connections in the U.S. and Europe. Tracing the IP connections of the data downloading they are addresses to the U.S. and Europe. But the speeds I get from the news servers are the local speeds at the time, not the speeds I would get from servers outside the country. Does anyone know if it is possible for them to cache the data locally and pass it to me and the IP address shown be outside the country? That is the only possibility I can think of except for them giving first priority to news servers, and I REALLY doubt that. But then again the amount of data on the news servers is HUMUNGOUS!!! I am really curious, if anyone has the answer I would love to know what’s up. For those who do a lot of downloading and don’t know about NZB’s you may want to look into it, way better than torrents or eDonkey downloads, although you’ll probably pay about $10 a month for the service it is way worth it, what takes days or even a month only takes hours with NZB’s, depending on the speed of your local connection.

    Never fail to blame: I just love to call Smart Bro CS. It usually takes me 3 calls and 9 tries at entering my mobile number before I get through. First the call gets picked up by an automated recording that spends a minute or two advertising their great service and offers. Then you push 1 for english, 2 for subscriber, 3 for technical assistance and then it requests you input your mobile number. This is where it gets fun. You enter your number and it reads it back to you and requests you confirm it. The problem is, most of the time it reads back the number with digits missing and tells you that you entered an invalid number even though you entered the correct number. Sometimes, usually the third call and third attempt to enter the number (making it 9 times) although it reads the number with digits missing I still push 1 to confirm and it actually accepts it as valid. I have had this same problem using several phones, both smart phones and regular CP’s, always the same problem, the problem is their system, not the phones. On each call it gives you 3 tries to enter the correct number. All three times you did enter the correct number but it says it was invalid. Do they switch you to or even offer to switch you to a CSR? NO!!! They blame you and disconnect for your (really their) error. “We have noticed you are having problems entering your Smart Bro number, please check your number and call again. CLICK. Why provide a CSR when you can automatically blame the customer for your fail and hang up on them.

  6. Profile gravatar of FHPS

    Classic situation:
    a saw new cafe had opened and thought I’d go and check them out…

    Me: I walked into a cafe and asked the three staffers standing there do you have Wi-Fi.
    Staff: yes sir yes sir we have and was handed a piece of paper with a password for access.
    Me: I started my computer and attempt to login but have no Internet.
    I walked to the cafe counter and said is your router up and running at the moment

    Yes sir yes sir (three bags full sir) the router is running but we have not yet connected to PLDT

    me: hmmmmmm I said to the three standing there (which included the manager)
    ummmmm so why did you give me the password when PLDT have not even connected
    the Internet to the cafe yet??!!

    1. Profile gravatar of Angel

      Lemme guess, “blank stares” all around?

      Maybe they thought you just needed the password and not the actual internet? Haha.

      Anyway, your “black sheep” line really cracks me up every time.

  7. Profile gravatar of Mufazzza

    Oh, don’t be so mean! To understand the combination demands a wee bit of intelligence! Actually I’m starting to wonder if they get a kick outta making situations where they can get “blank stare”. A kind of stupidezz-orgasm you might say. 😉

  8. Profile gravatar of Mufazzza

    Actually I suspect a inferiority-complex is driving the: ” we’re so smart and proud-thing”. They’re also very quick to use the “racist-word”, without good cause, of course!

    But no worries that they will ever admit to this fact, then that would mean some soul-searching and improvement on their part, heaven forbid!

    The complete absence of Reflection, regardless of education, is so engrained in the Culture that a very smart colonial power would need centuries to put some sense into these moronic heads, or, more correctly, make a decent, polite culture out of this mess!

    But some (a lot!) of peoples are not fit to rule themselves! Not just the ph. but many, many more! But, unfortunately, good, uncorrupt leadership doesen’t grow on trees.

  9. Profile gravatar of Hey Joe
    Hey Joe

    MANILA, Philippines – The website of the National Telecommunications Commission was defaced by hackers on Sunday.

    A group claiming to be Anonymous Philippines say they hacked the site due to slow internet speed in the country – the site was blocked with a black background showing the “V” of “V for Vendetta” overlaid by a message by the hackers themselves.

    All I can say is Whooooooooooooo. Please sir can i have another !! Hit them again and again. We all know pinoys only care about money. Hit them where it hurts…the pocketbook.