SM Mall Security – The “Frisk”…HILARIOUS!

SM Mall Security is more hilarious than any episode of Seinfeld or Golden Girls. One of my favorite forms of entertainment in Philippines is spending at least 15 minutes or so watching foreigners go through SM Mall security. I just wait and watch for them to pass through the “frisk” and bag check. I don’t know why, but the stupid fake pointless frisk is god damned fucking hilarious.

I love to watch the foreigners roll their eyes after passing through, and honestly, about 70% of them do roll their eyes, and it cracks me up to the point I nearly laugh out loud. I’ve never NOT seen at least one foreigner roll his eyes when passing through  SM mall security. It’s because I know they Rolling his eyesare thinking exactly what I am thinking when I pass through,

“What the fuck was that? Was it a security check or a pathetic attempt to grope me, or was it just a mindless random motor action? If you’re going to touch me, let it serve it’s purpose, do a full frisk, otherwise, why frisk at all?? What a bunch of idiots!”.

Idiotic Filipino security checkI roll my eyes and shake my head and giggle every time I pass through SM Mall security. You know, when they ever-so-lightly and quickly slide their gloved hand across your waist line, often either only the back, or only the front, but seldom both front and back.

There is virtually NO CHANCE they will do a real frisk. I mean, anyone who would want to bring a gun or other weapon into the mall would know to just strap it to their ankle, and wear long pants to cover it. They don’t frisk there. And to be honest, I would even take a bet I could get a gun tucked in my waist line on my side, being they only slightly touch the front OR back, seldom both. Never sides. Oh it cracks me up, I’m laughing now as I write this. Such fucking idiots I swear to god!

They don’t even do a pseudo-frisk at a bank! You just get handed a number. No check, no fake frisk, no poking a stick in your bag, you just get the door opened for you. But how typically stupid and ass-backwards of Filipinos. You can walk right in to a bank unmolested, but at SM Malls, you’re going to get touched and poked in your bag with a stick.Stupid SM Security Check Oh how completely idiotic, random, mindless, and stupid! There’s just no logic or reason behind it.

Now I would understand if it was somewhat of a real security check. It would serve a purpose, and would make the mall a bit safer. But they don’t check, they just pretend to check like some 1st grader playing security guard! It’s so insanely hilarious!

So I ask…Why frisk at all? I mean, it’s beyond human stupid. It’s more like tree stump stupid. A brick has more intelligence! The frog that hops around my carport at night possesses much more intelligence than the average Filipino.

Let’s review:

Stupid Filipino securityIf you have a bag, a quick dip of their stick in the main part of your bag will suffice. No need to bother checking (or even poking with a stick) the large side pockets which could easily hold enough C-4 explosive material to take out Starbucks. I just have to laugh my ass off at this idiot practice. It’s like a bunch of 5 year olds playing pretend security guard. And that is almost an insult to 5 year olds.

The only REAL purpose those idiots disguised as security guards serve is to inconvenience the customer and slow down traffic at the entrance to the mall. And you know damn well a 5 year old (at least one who grew up with evenStupid Rude Filipinos the slightest amount of common discipline) would know to form a line. But here in Philippines, the Filipinos just crowd, push, and nudge their way to the front if there’s a slow down at the entrance.

Such pathetic morons without the slightest clue about common courtesy and civilized behavior, and certainly void of any measurable level of simple logic and reason. It’s truly mind-boggling.

Published in Blatant Stupidiy, Filipino Stupidity


  1. Profile gravatar of huwag-kang-tanga

    I love messing with these guys. I always act like they are trying to give me a hug so I embrace them with a back pat and everything. Their reactions are hilarious, they have no idea what to do some hug back, some smile awkwardly, and still others freeze in fear. Also fun put random awkward items in your bag so they will definitely see them. (ie unrolled condoms) and wait for fun to begin. I drive a car here sometimes, and everytime I park at a mall or something they want me to open the trunk. So irritating, they barely even look for one, two if they tried that in the US they would get sued for privacy invasion, three I have carried illegal fireworks right through their little check points with no one noticing. All it does is slow down the parking lines, they look in the trunk but completely ignore the middle seat, where I could easily fight 100kg of explosives, so dumb. I’ve started putting realistic looking rubber snakes in my trunk just to scare these guys haha. I’m thinking about taking it to a new level and getting someone to lay in the back and act like a body, just want see what they would do, probably wave me through and let me park haha.

    1. Profile gravatar of Captain PFB
      Captain PFB Post author

      Oh way too funny! Yeah, the “security” here is a hilarious joke. You get pseudo-searched at the mall, trunk checked, mirror underneath, yet you can walk unmolested by security into a bank, and they even open the door for you!

      I’ve never seen a country that looked more like a bunch of 5 year old children playing like they’re a country than like Philippines. It is truly hilarious!

      Hey, would love to have you as an author of this blog. I like your comments. You should be an author here. Therefore I’ve given you authorship access to write your own articles here. If you need some instructions on how to use the author’s interface, just email me [email protected]

  2. Profile gravatar of NeoGeo

    I especially like the malls that have the metal detector. It ALWAYS goes off and the guards pay no mind. No serious pat down for the people that trip the detector. It might as well be an automatic door chime.

    1. Profile gravatar of Captain PFB
      Captain PFB Post author

      Oh I know, it’s so fucking ridiculous. But the quick whisp of the hand ever so lightly across a small fraction of your waist line determines you weapon-free is ridiculously hilarious as it is pointless and redundant.

  3. Profile gravatar of

    When you first arrive in The Philippines it is truly mind boggling as it is TOTALLY pointless and has absolutely nothing to do with security..It soon becomes a part of life and you accept it as “just they way they do things here”.

  4. Profile gravatar of CebuBear

    Last week at SM Cebu it was a woman doing the ‘frisk’. I told her we should get a room but she didn’t get the joke. I did go out and come back in six times and smile a lot but that didn’t work either. I tell the guard my trunk is ‘Guba’, broken and they never bother to make me open it. I have told them I can’t open the trunk because the timer on the explosives there has an anti-handling device fitted and again, that didn’t matter, just the swipe with the mirror to make sure no ilegal immigrants are hanging on to the drivers side of the underneath of the car.

    It would be interesting to know how many hand grenades have been found in handbags over the years… I doubt any.

  5. Profile gravatar of mike-test

    i experienced the most BS thing in SM – it was midday the typical hot and humid failippines weather. i was wearing dark sunglasses and honestly forgot to take it off upon entering SM. the security told me to take it off. yes you heard it fuckin right! the security of a fuckin mall wants me to take my sunglasses off! asked her – is it SMs policy that prohibits anyone wearing sunglasses entering your fuckin mall? she smiled cluelessly. WTF, what was she thinking? fuckin retarded moron!

    1. Profile gravatar of Captain PFB
      Captain PFB Post author

      Yeah, I have never experienced anyone working for any big company with many branches nationwide in Philippines who knew the same rules or policies. It’s like they just make things up as they go along. Nobody who SHOULD be on the same page, or same level ever is.

      Example: Banco De Asshole (Oro). They call themselves a “Uni-bank” which of course means it’s one bank, supposed to be same policies, same everything no matter what branch you go to. Yes I’ve been to 8 or 10 different branches, and it might as well be 8 or 10 different banks all together. Every single branch had different fees for different reasons, and if you are not at your “home branch” you pay a fee for depositing/withdrawing. Obviously the stupid fucks don’t know what “Uni” means. Yet they so blindly and ignorantly call themselves a Uni-Bank. Uni-banks DO NOT CHARGE FEES IF YOU’RE NOT AT YOUR HOME BRANCH!! Every branch should have the same policies, and should treat you like you’re at your home branch.

      But that’s stupid fucking Filo’s for you. Philippines: Land of Illusions, Lies, and Ignorance.

      1. Profile gravatar of mike-test

        speaking of BDO – their customer service is plain fuckin failure. they don’t know what CS. here’s the story – i requested something from them, i followed their websites instruction closely. after quite sometimes i didn’t received any news, so i emailed them asking for an update. they told me that there was a problem with the their branch and ask me to communicate that branch. YES you again heard it fuckin right! they’re having inter branch communication problem and they want their client to do the communication for them! how retarded is that? and due to their 30 process day policy, my request was about to expire, and yet they refuse to extend it – in the first fuckin it was their fuckin fault! FUCKIN RETARDS! and the result of their mess was miss opportunities for me.

        1. Profile gravatar of Captain PFB
          Captain PFB Post author

          The way Filipinos handle a problem or complaint from a customer is usually to first try to blame you for the problem. When they fail to convince you that the problem is your fault, then they’ll tell you there’s a problem. In their mind, once you tell them there’s a problem, YOUR problem is solved. They have given their lame, vague alibi, and they think that is sufficient enough response. Example:

          ME: “Hello, I am reporting that my internet connection and landline is dead.”

          CS: “Sir, what Operating system are you running on your computer?”

          ME: “The same fucking operating system that I have run for the past 2 years, and which has been working with this connection for the past two years. Now, do you have a question that is relevant to the problem that I am reporting?”

          CS: “Sir, try turning your modem off then back on”

          ME: “Uuuhhhmmm, I just said our entire line is dead. What good would rebooting the modem do if my line is dead?”

          CS: “Sir….”

          ME: “If you ask me another irrelevant question, I will reach through this cell phone and rip your head off and shit down your neck. Now, can you close your book of robotic line of questioning and actually use what tiny bits of brain might be inside your skull and work out this simple fucking problem of MY LINE IS DEAD please? Here’s the deal, it’s really simple. I tell you my line is dead, then you apologize for the inconvenience you’re causing me and tell me you’ll get this forwarded to the technical crew ASAP so that it can be resolved. Now, do you remember what the problem is?”

          CS: “Yes sir, your internet is down”

          ME: “No, my whole PLDT service is down. There’s no dial tone on the phone, there’s no internet connection….the whole line is DEAD! GOT IT? IT’S REALLY SIMPLE. TELL THE TECHNICAL DEPT JOE SMITH’S LINE IS DEAD AND HE WANTS IT FIXED ASAP. You think you can manage that little bit of customer service?”

          CS: “Well sir, I will forward this problem to the technical dept.”

          ME: “Brilliant, why didn’t I think of that? You really are some very special kind of stupid, aren’t you?”

          1. Profile gravatar of

            “CS: “Well sir, I will forward this problem to the technical dept.””

            Every.Fucking.Time. What is the point of having to waste time in explaining the issue, only to be transferred to another department???? Do they do it intentionally to take the piss out of us? I’ll never understand.

  6. Profile gravatar of montreal_dude

    Hi mate. Thanks for reminding me that security check in every SM malls. That was really hilarious. That really shows how to security is fake there. Some pure ilusion. I can imagine the BIG BOSS of those SM Malls on the top of the meeting table saying: We will put a security gard ON EVERY DOORS OF OUR MALLS that will search in their bags with some chopsticks.That way those terrorists from Mindanao will never come to bother us here! MMHUUAAAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Of course we will not search our masters the White people from America. No need because them they are clean. But the dream of blowing up an SM mall is sleeping in every filipino mind.

    Also have you noticed that the number one product we find in malls there is some stupid covers for cellphones? I been in a mall in Manila which there was an entire floor where all the marchants were selling some fucking cellphone covers. I sware you enter in the mall and it`s ALL what you see in front of you. Filipino people focus their life on goddamn cellphones of shit. Texting is their number one priority.

  7. Profile gravatar of CebuBear

    Ah yes, the fortune making properties of plastic cell phone covers when sold amongst a milieu of like minded entrepreneurs. It is merely the latest development of the Filipino ‘Me-Too!’ mindset. As we all know, you drive along the road and see fifteen sari sari stores all selling the same stuff and all with the same sign, provided by Coke or Pepsi or Sna Miguel or a cigarette company shouting ‘Inday Store’, “Precious Store’, Three Sister Store’ and not an apostrophe of possession between them. Then, nothing for miles. Not a single roadside vendor. Being the Pinas, ‘miles’ is a relative term and before you can say ‘up to you’ you are back among them. Store after identical store. This time they are carenderias, five silver pots in descending order out the front next to some flesh on banana leaf and a charcoal brazier that looks like it saw better days when the Spanish were cleaning out the natural resources. Or you go to the market and it is store after identical store, all set up the same, selling the same shit for the same price. Why, asks any same person (ie; someone who has not had their initial 21 day tourist visa renewed yet)do they do this? Why not one do it one way and the next stall, if they must sell the same stuff right next door, set up a different way? Oh naive and stupid kano (or balikbayan who has been away too long).

    First of all, initiative is hard to come by in a society where pakikisama, group harmony, is more important than actually achieving anything. Better everyone feels comfortable (pronounced com-FORT-able)and not singled out for their stupidity than the task actually get done, let alone done well, on time, safely or any other impediment Kanos insist on to the detriment of everyone feeling good about themselves. So, if someone does take a risk and open a store, then you would look really stupid if you chose a location where there wasn’t already a store selling what you will sell. Their existence proves you will not fail. Now to set up the stall selling the same stuff in any way different to the one already there would also make you look stupid if you don’t get as many customers (pronounced COS-ter-mers)and the entire raison d’etre of the pinoy is not looking stupid. So, now there are two identical stalls it makes perfect sense to Dong and Dai to set up their stall there too. Well, Dai will do all the work but Dong will spend the profits on Tanduay, Red Horse and letting his barkarda see what a big businessman he is.

    I know, someone will point out that the available customers for the goods was first halved and then divided yet again and each time a new store opens the potential customer numbers decrease but do not let this enter your mind; they don’t. On top of that they have a bold and cunning plan that will ensure commercial viability and economic success, they will pray to God! How the feck can they lose? Have ye no faith?

    Now, a few weeks into trading, Dong has drunk all the profits and there is no money left to replenish the inventory so Dai hits her sister who married a Kano and therefore is rich, for a ‘loan’. L.O.A.N. is how Filipinos spell gift, but I digress. Ate lends her the money and Dong rejoices as he can now prove once more to his barkarda how brilliant he is at international high finance. Not a lot of inventory gets replaced because everyone suddenly gets sick and needs a ton of drugs from Mercury, plus school fees and cell phone load but somehow the store struggles on, thanks to more loans from Ate in Australia or Alaska or Abu Dhabi, working her ring off for some Arab asshole. Of course, we all know it is really thanks to God the store stays open but hey, it does give Dai somewhere to hang out and she has so many friends right next door and they all are in the same line of business…

  8. Profile gravatar of

    Or how about entering the parking garage as they check your trunk for what exactly? i went to the mall from the airport once to pick up a few things…2 full suitcases in the trunk. “OK SIR! THANK YOU!” — could have been 70 pounds of C4 but their sleeping/dehydrated K9 could care less much less the handler

  9. Profile gravatar of jhardy

    I really hate these security check, I’ve been to hk and sg and the and no guards! Security in ph is stupid. In ph it is preventive, you cannot prevent someone who wants to do something bad, they should focus on their reaction to situations, like what happened in somalia security check is useless. What really pissess me off is the checking of hats, I don’t know what they’re looking for and I think it’s useless so I don’t do it, I refuse to comply to something stupid that would make me look stupid.