Smart Huh?

Well here I am again to spread some sunshine into your life. Soon you will see my not so smiling face on tv. Not it is not a most wanted either. The other day I went to Smart and was offered a job to make a tv commercial, yes I know. So here’s what you’ll see, picture my not so smiling face.

Welcome to Smart Communications where we pride ourselves on customer service. Why an American making a commercial in the Philippines? Well I have white skin which they love and they are the only English speaking country in Asia, so they claim. Here at Smart we offer a variety of services for our customer, some of which I’ll detail here for you. One you may well be aware of is our cellular service for mobile phones. But since you know about that I’ll just go straight to our wifi.

Yes we offer the widest wifi coverage in the Philippines but it’s so much more. Let’s look at our most popular package which is called Smart Bro Pocket Wifi. Under this plan you will get unlimited internet access for 30 days, with a daily limit of 800 mbs then we are going to cut you down. Our wifi comes in the following speeds:

Double Dead Caraboa

Snail Pace

Dead Carabao

Live Carabao.

It goes without saying that no matter which package you pay for, we will stick you with Double Dead Carabao speed. Take it or leave it. Yes we know before we were the only one who did not put this 800mbs limit on you. Why did we change that? Well instead of keeping an edge over our rivals we decided to go down to their level rather than they come up to ours. If you can think Filipino you will see our reasoning. Now instead of taking 20 minutes to open a website it will now take hours, if you can get it to open.

But even with this we have you, our customer in mind. To keep you entertained during the long waits to open a web page we have this little blue circle in the upper left that spins around. Bad eye sight? Not to worry. Go to YouTube for a video and the circle is bigger and in the middle of the screen. We at Smart highly recommend this form of entertainment. If you find it boring, just show it to your cat, if you have one. Why one of our customers was complaining that it took 3 days to download 9.5GB last week. A fact we are very proud of, that it took that long and we annoyed the hell out of a customer. Then just when your web page is about done, we will throw up our sign in page which you have to sign into for no apparent reason. Other to annoy you that is. Then after you sign out you get the honor of starting to open the web page from the very beginning.

But we are involving our customers in our company. We are pleased to announce a slogan contest. So far the entries submitted are:

No network connection

Bad network connection

Connection reset.

Waiting for network

Limited network

Lost connection

Since we are talking customers now is a great time to cover our customer service. Again we take pride in our web page customer service always being down. Want to send us an email? FORGET IT!!As is the custom in the Philippines with customer service, that ends not only after we have your money but BEFORE!! So rush on in to your nearest Smart Center and prepare to get screwed, I mean the package that suits your needs. Thank You


So there you have the commercial I made for Smart. They told me to wait and see it on tv! Pacman,,m move over there’s a new big dog in country.

Published in Filipino Customer Service


  1. Profile gravatar of

    Hey, we got the same package from Globe only we took the option of a land line too. The phone handset was about 15 years old as they had walah at the time. But wait, they wouldn’t install the line until we were utterly fed up and told them to shove it and the whole package. They turned up on a Sunday after we had cancelled the order without any notice.

    1. Profile gravatar of Mike
      Mike Post author

      I keep trying that. But you know it’s impossible for a foreigner to get phone, elec, cable or anything else like that hooked up unless it’s in a filipinos name. I keep telling wife to check on it and as is custom in the philippines I get an excuse. In this case it’s “I don’t have the right IDs.” Funny thing about that though, she has the right IDs to buy land in three different subdivision.

      1. Profile gravatar of

        When we tried to get PLDT the girl told us our passports were not good ID. We needed a drivers licence, so after all the bullshit to get a licence we went back and she said they had no lines in our area!!!

    2. Profile gravatar of Don Quixote
      Don Quixote

      The trouble is PLDT own Smart and Sun so why would you expect anything better from them.
      Its the Undersea Cable that’s the bloody issue with Internet Speed.
      My neighbour has a land line with Globe he is tearing his hair out with their stupidity and failure to even provide a reasonable service.
      The only reason he has that is because of his Magic Jack to the USA to keep in touch with his elderly mother.

    3. Profile gravatar of Johnny

      ANYTHING they can do to project an image with no regard for actually doing anything substantial or legitimate. They will work harder to project an image than do the actual work.

      1. Profile gravatar of Don Quixote
        Don Quixote

        I note that in Australia, TPG an Internet company is advertising how fast their internet speed is., the add says NETFLIX says they TPG are the No! in Australia for internet speed.
        Then I see the map of Asia and the picture shows the Submarine Cable heading for the Philippines.
        I know TPG is a Flip company.
        So how do we have high speed internet here from a flip company and the cable shows it originates in the fucking Philippines ???????????

  2. Profile gravatar of Random Numbers
    Random Numbers

    A few months ago, we got an LTE modem and SIM from SMART, knew another kano who had good luck with it. So, at first it was pretty good, unlimited like they said. Then a few days it was out for several hours or most of the day. Then it got ok again. So they changed the promo, no longer is there an unlimited data plan using LTE, now it is capped at 800 Mb a day. You can go over that, but they slow the connection down. Oh, and to try and make certain that you don’t go too far over the limit, it automatically disconnects you every 10 minutes! Hope that you aren’t videoconferencing or anything that needs a connection that lasts longer than 10 minutes!

  3. Profile gravatar of

    Globe told me we were bad customers because we hadnt paid the bill. I repeatedly called to demand a bill but they promised and it never came through. WTF!!!

    1. Profile gravatar of Hey Joe
      Hey Joe

      I have only 1 time gotten a smart bill out of the 5 years we have had our internet plan.
      Always need to find the total off the website, then pay online.

      Our credit card bill, they do send every month. ONE day before it’s due ! Just this last month they were 2 days past the due date with the delivery. They hope you will be late, so they can zap you the late fees.
      I also pay that online. The CC bill was paid a week before the bill even showed up.

  4. Profile gravatar of

    Thanks Hey Joe, now I get it. This is the Phlip acting stupid as a scam; not to be confused with, the Phlip acting stupid because he is. Cunning bastards. It’s so hard to tell which kind of stupid it is. There seems to be so many to choose from. It will take me years to decypher them and by then I will be gone.

    1. Profile gravatar of Hey Joe
      Hey Joe


      EVERYTHING has some sort of motive behind it.

      Example: School books. Ever notice the teachers assign books that can only be found at “special” book stores? For a very special price I might add.
      Then at these stores they ask the teaches name and school. Why?? so the thieving teachers get a cash kickback.
      Ever notice why the teachers force students to wright in these same books?? When any other place I know of writing in books is a no-no?
      Why?? So you can not re-use the books and have to buy new, insuring they get the kick-back!

  5. Profile gravatar of

    We are using a tutor and importing distance education packs from home. The tutor is the only teacher we have found that is barely decent. He’s not cheap but he is also a therapist (ABA). One of our boys has ASD. All the schools we have been with or looked at are unbelievably bad.

    1. Profile gravatar of 30-30

      If you look at their courses,, every year and every term has Jose Rizal in it… then they have ”projects” Of course they only tell you the night b 4 , so you have rush down to National bookstore to buy some crap

  6. Profile gravatar of Random Numbers
    Random Numbers

    Another irritating thing in dealing with SMART is the “confuse the customer” method of selling they use, so many different promos without explanations of what exactly you get. Plus, they don’t clean up their website, so you can see promos from years ago that are no longer available! Navigating their website is always an exercise in frustration!

  7. Profile gravatar of Warlord

    We changed our plan a few weeks back and When we got it on the other end they said we can only get 30 percent of the internet speed we ordered, I was like, that was not the paper my dad signed, what’s the point of upgrading then? Then on the other end she said, Sir this is so we can maximize the efficiency of our services. Me I was like, if you want to maximize your service why did you cut the service by almost 3/4? A moment of silence, sir if you have a problem with the plan ask our management, and so I ended the call agreeing to stupid things given to the promo even though it was not their when my dad signed it. Hidden perks XDD.

    Also after a 2 days our net cut off. XD Jesus, how many times we called. And our net was cut by half again, it’s like we’re paying for services they are not providing us. What Aholes we have in my stupid country.