The Spark Plug Mortar

Hi there,
This is my first post, let me know how it goes, I have many more stories to tell.

Firstly a bit about my situation;
I am an Aussie, nearly 50 years old who is married to a local girl from Cebu region, I am a roster worker in Australian, meaning i work so many weeks then have so many weeks off. I stay in a work camp when working and return to Cebu for my time off as I have a house and family there.I pay for my own flights,12 per year and this is still cheaper than maintaining a house here in Aussie land.

Let me start with a subject you are all familiar with…Christmas!

I have just returned to work from a 4 week break at home in the provinces south of Cebu city. We live in an ok area of our town, near the edge, mostly rice fields around, nicer houses and good neighbors (mostly). However my wife comes from what i will call the seaside slum area, and densely populated fishing area with open sewers and lots of idle folk with blank faces. We go down there a bit, I take my dogs in the tricycle to roam the beach and we drink beer at the store with her brother and friends.

This particular day, just before Christmas, I see this kid, probably a relative, throwing something in the air and when it lands it lets off a loud bang. I call him over out of curiosity to inspect his ordinance. He has a spark plug, electrode removed, with a bunch of rooster feathers tied to it.

The place where the electrode once sat is replaced with a firm fitting 5mm hex head bolt.There is rubber bands holding the bolt firmly inside the spark plug. The bolt is pulled out, a charge of gunpowder caps or blanks is inserted and said device is thrown directly up to then fall to the ground with the striker (5mm bolt) landing first due to the tail feathers creating drag. The resulting explosion creates much joy to all…..except me, killjoy that I am, started to think of shrapnel as the kid was not content with putting 1 blank charge inside,but as many as he could beg money for. I prompted to him to piss off away from me and my kids with it and warned him of the danger of overloading it

I watched him up on the concrete barangay road for a while, some miss-fires, some late detonations and thought he is gonna get hurt with that, numerous adults, including the barangay captain and Tanod captain watched.

To get to the point, 2 days later I’m down there, the kid is limping around, holding the shattered remenants of his mortar bomb in his dirty hands.

Seems he achieved a successful detonation of maximum charge. The rubber bands holding the thing together let go and he took a piece of his leg out on the side of the calf muscle. The wound had a dirty piece of cotton wool stuck to it (first aid Pinoy style) and was weeping a watery, bloody mixture down his leg. I was going to go home and get my trauma kit and dress the wound for him but then he asked me if I had an old spark plug and 5 peso so he could rebuild his mortar and buy Bala (ammo) and get back into the action.

I pulled him in close and whispered to him that he was a moron and I hope his leg got infected and fell off. I then told him to fuck off away from my kids.I will give an up-date on his progress after i get back from my R&R in early Feb.

Thanks for reading, Unggoy out.

Published in Blatant Stupidiy, Filipino Stupidity


    1. Profile gravatar of heyjoe

      If the authorities banned fireworks etc. then they would actually be hurting themselves. This is a great source of bribe money for them every year. How do you think all of the Mom and Pop firework factories stay open without a license? They pay bribes so the police will look the other way. It would be easy to confiscate this stuff. During Christmas and New Years fireworks stands pop up everywhere. My brother- in- law was a policeman. Every year they did confiscate some fireworks. Where do you think they ended up? Back at the police station of course to be divided up among themselves. My brother -in-law had a great fireworks display every year. He had the best stuff available and laughed about getting it for free.

  1. Profile gravatar of Captain PFB
    Captain PFB

    Sad thing is, they just don’t learn. They go through life repeating the same mistakes and causing themselves misfortunes over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over again. Then the stupid shits are totally confused as to why bad things always happen to them.

    They never look at themselves. They don’t believe they can do wrong. It MUST be something someone else is doing to them. There’s no way they can possibly be to blame. They are the smartest person they know. To them, their stupidity and utter ignorance is smart, and it’s just shitty luck that when they do their smart things over and over and over again, the dumb fucks end up hurt or in trouble or with some kind of misfortune that they pass off as bad luck.

    That poor kid has learned well from his people. He’s starting off a dumb shit, and he’ll grow up to be a big dumb shit. Don’t heed warnings. Besides, what do those that warn them know? Certainly not as much as he knows. So don’t listen, and when you blow a chunk of your leg off, it’s not because he was warned not to pack that thing so full of explosives. It’s because he was just “unlucky”. So the mini-stupid-fuck will go and do it again.

    1. Profile gravatar of FAFI

      Historically speaking, you are absolutely right. As I read in the book of Jose Rizal, who is suppose to the national hero of this country (even though he hasn’t lead any successful revolutions), he had clearly described Filipinos back in his day (late 1800s) to be no different than the average Filipino today. Well of course he died in 1896, but the way how he described the Filipinos back in his day sound just like the same attitude and mindset of Filipinos today. He even admitted in his own way that order and obedience was absent in Philippines, even mentioned the lack of self-realization that Filipinos had for themselves. He even stated that a few revolutions failed due to lack of communication and leadership back in his day. Hmmmm, I wonder if any of that sounds like the Filipino today? This is the guy that the majority of Philippines worship and crowned as a national hero, yet he spoke the ugly truth about Filipinos himself! Now that is saying A LOT!!! He even wanted to Europeanize his fellow Filipinos so they can uphold some type of prideful standard of the Filipino way. Sadly, Jose Rizal pretty much fought for nothing, and I wonder how much pity he would have on his people if he was a live today to see them.

    2. Profile gravatar of TheD

      I wonder if this is due to an illogical belief in a supernatural sky being living on a cloud in full control of everyones lives.
      Whatever you do, the supernatural beings plans for you will happen. So fuck it.

  2. Profile gravatar of

    “I pulled him in close and whispered to him that he was a moron and I hope his leg got infected and fell off. I then told him to fuck off away from my kids.”

    I would do the same thing.

  3. Profile gravatar of 30-30

    last nite they were viewing the stars with a telescope from a high school near my place.
    for some reason they had a stereo full blast going thru the 300 yards of concrete right into my pillow after they finished viewing the stars
    Why do these Kryptons think they need a stereo going full blast for every little thing in their miserable lives..
    they are poor but have money for big stereos??

    1. Profile gravatar of 30-30

      I wonder if the teachers have any sense at all???
      man that place was noisy,,, i understand now why they have music for every shit bag celebration in their lives… it is just too easy on the brain to listen to noise, eat bulaga,,,, wowwowwee than it is to think

      1. Profile gravatar of TheD

        Its not even to have some background music, they seem to think that they should turn the bass up all the way and the treble too as if they are stress testing the speakers to see at what earth shattering volume they will finally rip.

    2. Profile gravatar of

      “they are poor but have money for big stereos??”

      That just reminded me, I know some Filos here who earns 10k a day. They shop at exclusive store that even I would not dare to go to, go eat at one of the exclusive restaurants in Glorieta 5, and then goes home in a squatter-like houses.

      I do not understand how you can tolerate to live like that especially when you are financially capable of upgrading the living condition of your family. Got brains?

      1. Profile gravatar of Waipahukanu

        Well, if they are living in squatter like houses, maybe they are squatting. Who can beat cheap living for free? no mortgage, and only pay the utilities. And, if they are lucky enough to squat on government land, and their area gets burned up, the gov’t will just “reblock” the area and put them right back where they were.

        1. Profile gravatar of TheD

          “pay the utilities” – What are you talking about? I can only assume you mean “bypass the meter” or “wire directly into the overhead cables”

          Stood at a trike terminal today in a queue, I looked at the lights, followed the cables all the way to the overhead cables. Did not see one meter anywhere along that line!

          Its no wonder the electricity is so expensive, youre paying for all that shit.

      2. Profile gravatar of TheD

        Ite better to be seen as being rich. People see them when they are out, they dont see them when they are at home. Looks are everything.
        For that matter I have seen some VERY smart and expensive cars parked in slums.