The Rice Powered Nagging Machine

Ahhh yes, another post about how great life is in the Philippines for a foreigner on a daily basis. So where to start? How about right at the beginning? That’s a good place to start as any. Out of bed you crawl at 0600, throw on the bathrobe and make your way to the CR passing the rice powered nagging machine already setting up the rice cooker for breakfast. But your not too cheery as you did not sleep well that night and no it was not because of sex. Both the stray dogs and cats along with the drunk pinoys at the videoke place down the street done their best to sing you off to a gentle slumber. Reflecting on this you admit to yourself that the dogs and cats were vastly better than the pinoys at the vocal talents.

Out of the CR you go after draining the vein and head straight to the coffee machine when the rice powered nagging machine tells you that your hair is a mess and you need to come it. But how? The neighbor who came to visit last night stole your only comb:
RPNM: Honeypie, need to comb hair.
You: I can’t, Ding Dong Dung stole my comb last night.
RPNM: That should not stop you, no excuse. (you stand there trying to grasp her logic).
You: How can I comb my hair when I don’t have a comb? Besides why did Ding Dong Dung steal MY comb? He’s fucking bald!!! (RPNM fails to grasps your logic).

So as RPNM starts to make breakfast you grab a cup of coffee and head to the computer, messy hair and all to catch up on PFB. Boot the computer, open internet and get one or more of your daily greeting from the ISP
1.) No network connection.
2.) Limited connection.
3.) Connection reset.

So 30 minutes of trying to read PFB with it taking 5 plus minutes to load one comment RPNM calls you to breakfast and off you go and sit at the table. Out the door you notice the breeze is blowing in from the East when, what’s that? Smoke starts to enter your kitchen with some odd smells so time to check it out so there is the neighbor burning his trash against your cement wall, too tired to fight so back to the table. There it is again, that smell. The smell of burning plastic, grass and the aroma of seasoned urine where the fire warmed it up on the wall, all adding to the delight and enjoyment of your meal. You think “Say nothing, he will be done burning well before dinner.

So now you finish and go get dressed for the days errands, dodging beggars, scammers and assholes in general en mass. So after dealing with all that, long lines and the heat your back at your castle and RPNM has dinner ready so you sit down to enjoy what you hope is not a sugar, msg or salt laden meal. But what that? Now the neighbor in the West is burning his trash against your other wall and the aroma of burning plastic, rubber and heated up stale urine once again joins you for a meal, uninvited of course. Why did the wind have to change direction? So a little tv and off to bed but the filipinos are already in place at the videoke and the dogs and cats have form their social circles. But, there’s always tomorrow right?

Published in Filipina Wife, Filipino Stupidity, Low Standards


  1. Profile gravatar of Thunderhead

    Had nearly the same things in ROK 73-74. The hookers across the alleyway were bringing their victims home as the bars closed and curfew descended upon Songtan-Up. Place always smelled like wet dog, fireworks, and full outhouses.

  2. Profile gravatar of 30-30

    The friggin chimosa neighbor told my FIL some gossip… the FIL told my chimosa wife,, my wife came straight into the friggin bedroom and told me b 4 i had a chance to wake up.
    Fuck me ragged……

  3. Profile gravatar of

    FLIPS are like “Do you want RICE on your morning burrito SSSIIIR?”, “What about with your coffee?” *BLANK STARE*

  4. Profile gravatar of Pinay Lover
    Pinay Lover

    And I was thinking of moving there…….Thank God for your guys and your written experiences, otherwise I would have taken that nasty plunge into stupidity.

    1. Profile gravatar of Mike
      Mike Post author

      Are you saying that you will pass on sharing our misery first hand? I have told my wife more than once if I knew this place and people were this bad I never would have come.

  5. Profile gravatar of

    Ha, ha! I love your writing style. A real pro. I have no skill at creative writing.

    I hear these stories a lot from non-Filipinos. But I thought late night parties, barking dogs, and burning trash was illegal?

    It sounds like you live in one of those 1980’s dystonia stories…