Q: What is the best way for an expat to double his money in the Philippines?
A: Fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
Q: How can you make a quick million with a business in the Philippines?
A: Start with 5 million.
Bong boards a plane in Manila that is bound for Los Angeles. He takes his seat in the Coach section, but after the plane takes off and levels off at cruise altitude, he gets out of his Coach seat, walks up to the First Class section, then sits in an empty First Class seat. A flight attendant sees him and politely says, “I’m sorry, but you need a First Class ticket to sit in the First Class section.”
Bong replies, “I’m Pinoy. I’m proud. I’m going to LA,” and stubbornly looks forward without getting up.
The flight attendant calls the senior flight attendant, who also politely explains to Bong that he needs a First Class ticket to sit in First Class, but Bong gives the same stubborn response, “I’m Pinoy. I’m proud. I’m going to LA.”
The senior flight attendant calls the Captain, who gets out of the pilot’s seat and walks back to Bong. He says, politely but firmly, “Sir, you need a First Class ticket to sit in First Class. You must go back to your assigned seat.”
Again, Bong stubbornly replies, “I’m Pinoy. I’m proud. I’m going to LA,” and continues to stare forward without moving.
The Captain goes back up to the Flight Deck and says to the First Officer, “We have some idiot Coach passenger who is sitting in First Class and refuses to go back to his seat in Coach. I guess we will have the police meet us in LA to throw him in jail.”
“Is he a Filipino?” asks the First Officer.
“He has brown skin and keeps saying, ‘I’m Pinoy. I’m proud. I’m going to LA’, so I assume he is.”
The First officer replies, “Oh, I was once married to a flip woman. They are all prideful and stubborn like him, but don’t worry, I can handle this.”
So the First Officer gets out of the co-pilot’s seat, walks back to Bong, whispers something in the flip’s ear, and Bong says, “Oh, sorry siiiirrrr.” Then Bong gets out of the First Class seat and walks back to his seat in Coach.
The First Officer returns to the Flight Deck and announces, “Problem solved.”
“What the heck did you do?” asks the Captain.
“It was very easy,” says the First Officer, “I just told him the First Class section is going to Beijing.”
A college student, working on his Doctoral Thesis, goes to a brain store to get brain samples to complete a study. He wanted brain samples from different ethnic groups. He asks the storekeeper, “How much for a one gram sample of an Englishman’s brain?”
The storekeeper replies, “Four dollars a gram.”
“How much for one gram of a Brazilian’s brain?” asks the student.
“That is also four dollars,” the storekeeper replies.
“I also want a one gram sample of a Canadian’s brain,” says the student.
“That will be six dollars a gram.”
“How much for one gram of a filipino’s brain?” asks the student.
“One gram will cost you $15,000,” replies the storekeeper.
“Fifteen thousand? Why is that so expensive?”
The storekeeper replies, “Do you know how many filipinos we had to kill to get just one gram of brain?”
Two flips were driving a truck when they came to a tunnel. A sign at the entrance of the tunnel read “WARNING Clearance 3 Meters”. The driver stopped and the two went outside the truck. When they measured its height it was 3 1/2 meters. One filp says to the other, “It’s OK. I do not see any police, so let’s go!”
A Western expat was walking along a nice beach on a tiny Philippine island when he sees an old brass lamp in the sand. Picking it up, he starts to rub the lamp to clean it when a genie pops out! The man is surprised! The genie says, “For releasing me from this lamp I shall grant you one wish. Whatever you want, I will do it.”
The expat thinks for a moment, then says, “Here in the Philippines, there many islands, and it is hard to travel from one island to another. Air travel is expensive and does not go to the smaller islands, and boat travel is too slow.” He then pulls out a map of the Philippines from his back pocket, shows it to the genie, then says, “Look at this map. My wish is for you to create bridges connecting all islands so people can drive, take a bus, or ride a jeepney from one island to another so they do not have to fly or take a boat!”
The genie looks at the map and says, “Are you crazy!? There are over 7000 islands in this country! Some of them are dozens of kilometers from their neighboring islands! The sea in some places is hundreds of meters deep! Can you imagine what is involved with such a project like that? That is impossible!”
So the expat thinks for another moment, then says, “OK, I have another wish. I want you to make flips into humble, honest, and intelligent human beings so I and my fellow expats do not get so frustrated with them.”
The genie groans, sighs, then says, “Let me look at that map again. I will start building bridges tomorrow.”Published in