We’re not laughing with you, We’re laughing AT you!

Q: How should every expat begin a flip joke?

A: By looking over his shoulder.

Q: What are three things you will never get from a flip?

  1.  An honest answer
  2. A promise that will be kept
  3. An intelligent conversation

Q: What is the difference between a wrecked car and the Philippine society?

A: A wrecked car can be repaired.

Q: What is the difference between a flip and a dog?

A: One is faithful, loving, loyal and forgiving, and the other is…well, do I really need to tell you who the other one is?

Q: What is the difference between a flip and a pizza?

A: A pizza is capable of feeding a family of four.

Q: What is the difference between a flip and an elevator?

A: An elevator is capable of raising a family.

Q: What is the difference between a flip and a washing machine?

A: When you dump your load into a washing machine, it will not expect you to provide for it and its family for life.

Q: What do you call a flip with an IQ of 30?

A: A bloody genius.

Q: What is the difference between a smart flip and Santa Claus?

A: Nothing. They are both fictional characters.

Q: You are hiking in the wilderness of Mindanao. Suddenly an NPA rebel throws a grenade at you. What do you do?

A: Pull the pin and throw it back.

Q: You are hiking in the wilderness of Mindanao. Suddenly a pin hits you in the face. What do you do?

A: Run like hell. There is an NPA rebel nearby with a grenade in its teeth.

Q: You are walking along and you see a group of young flip men gang-raping a lady. How do you stop it?

A: Red Horse and a basketball.

Q: How can you tell if a flip is level-headed?

A: Red Horse drips out of both sides of its mouth.

Q: How do you sink a Philippine battleship?

A: Put it in the water.

Q: Why do the new Philippine Naval ships have glass bottoms?

A: So they can see the old Philippine Naval ships.

Q: Did you hear about the old Philippine naval Admiral who wanted to be buried at sea when he passed away?

A: Five flip sailors drowned trying to dig his grave.

Q: How to you drown a submarine full of flips?

A: Knock on the door.

Q: How does a flip get into an honest business?

A: Usually by tearing a hole in the roof.

Q: Why do expats in the Philthippines put their trash into clear plastic bags?

A: So the flips can go window shopping.

Bong sees a Kano missionary priest walking down the street. Noticing his black shirt and white collar, he stops him and asks, “Sirrr? Why do you wear that strange shirt po?”

The priest laughs for a moment and says, “Because, my son, I am a Father!”

Bong scratches his head. “I am a father too, sirrr, and I don’t wear a shirt like that.”

Again the priest laughs, “But I am a Father of thousands!”

Bong gives the priest a blank stare for a moment then says, “Sirrr, may I have that shirt po?”

A 65 year old, grossly overweight Kano marries a 20 year old filipina bombshell.  After bringing her to the United States, he decides to show off his trophy to his friends.  A couple of days later, one of his friends asks him, “You have such a gorgeous young wife. How did you manage to snag her?”

“It was easy,” replies the Kano, “I told her I was 95 years old and I once owned a bank.”

A man walks into a bar and he sees a robot behind the bar. He asks another person in the bar, “What is this? A robot bartender?”

The second man replies, “This is a really unique bar with a state-of-the-art robot bartender. All you need to do is tell it your I.Q., and it will serve up the appropriate drink and start talking to you about appropriate topics.”

This made the man more curious, so he decides to give it a test. He walks up to the bar, the robot bartender greets him and asks for his I.Q. The man says, “145.”

The robot serves up a fine glass of congac, then starts to talk about quantum physics, the latest medical technology, and philosophy.

So after he enjoys the congac, he leaves the bar, walks back in, and the robot bartender greets him and asks for his I.Q.

The man replies, “100.”

The robot then serves up a Budweiser beer, and starts talking about sports, auto racing, and deer hunting.

The man leaves the bar again, returns, and when the robot greets him and asks for his I.Q., the man says, “20.”

The robot serves up a Red Horse, hands him a cigarette, and says, “So, will you vote for Manny Pacqiao if he runs for President in your country, sirrr?”

Boy learns that, in the Muslim religion, if a young man kills himself for the sake of “Allah” he will immediately go to Heaven to be ravished by 72 virgins for the rest of eternity. Realising that boinking virgins forever is even better than having 15 mistresses, he converts to Islam, bangs his head on a rug five times a day, then one day he makes a suicide vest, travels to Manila, and in the middle of a busy street corner, he shouts “ALLAH AKBAR!” and…

!!!!!!!KABOOOOOOOMMMMMM!!!!!!!!

He blows himself up.

Next thing he sees is a group of beautiful young ladies surrounding him.  “Wow!” says Boy, “The Quran is right! I am in Heaven with my virgins!!!!”

“Not so fast, Boy” says one of the ladies, “You are in Hell.”

“Well,” replies Boy with a suggestive grin, “If this is Hell, I think I will like it!”

“Not so fast, Boy” replies the lady, “We have no vaginas and you lost your penis when you blew yourself up.”

Boy replies, “It’s Hell, alright.”

An IRS agent calls a taxpayer into his office in Los Angeles for an audit under suspicion of tax fraud.

“Mr. Miller,” says the IRS agent, “Under last year’s tax return, you listed 135 dependents. How do you explain that?”

“Very simple,” replies Mr. Miller. “I’m married to a Filipina.”

Published in Humor

Comments

  1. Profile gravatar of Mike
    Mike

    So as happens with us all one day the end comes and and Dong the pinoy dies and stands at the Pearly gates expecting to get into heaven when St Peter shows up and goes through his records. After a few minutes St Peter informs Dong that he is not lived a righteous enough life to get into heaven but must go to hell instead. But St Peter tells Dong he has lived good enough and will be treat nice in hell, hands him his slip and off to hell goes Dong.
    Satan greets Dong at the gates of hell and asks to see his slip and Satan says to dong;
    Satan: Dong I see that your filipino and you do not deserve eternity in fire and brimstone so I’ll show you three doors and you pick the one you want to spend eternity in.
    Dong: I should be in heaven but show me the doors.
    So off Dong and Satan go and shortly they are standing in front of door one when Satan opens it and shows Dong what’s inside. Dong looks in an sees filipinos in an air conditioned sweat shop making sweaters and enjoying cold drinks and ice cream. So Dong ask to see door number 2 and Satan leads him to door number two and opens it, Dong looks in. There is a beach with women running around naked and drinking Mai Tais. Dong hums and ask to see door three so again Satan leads the way and opens door number three and Dong peers in and what greets his eyes? Why it’s Duterte getting a blow job by Monica Lewinsky, BIG smile on his face.
    Satan: So Dong which door do you choose to spend eternity in?
    Dong: Well Satan I like the air conditioning in door one but hate to work. I like the beach, naked women and drinks in door 2 but I cannot touch the women. So I think I’ll take door 3.
    Satan: So dong, are you sure you want door 3?
    Dong: YES!!!
    Satan: Ok Monica get up, your replacement is here.

  2. Profile gravatar of BarcelonaYuanKi
    BarcelonaYuanKi

    I’m a Pinoy..and i’ve lots of Pinoy jokes as i like laughing at myself and my fellow pinoys..hehe..but first please forgive my disrespect and uncouth language..just have a good laugh at it.hehe.

    1.) Why is PinoyPride just like a Fart?
    ‘Coz both are nothing but Sh!tty Air..
    2.) What is smaller than a Pea sized brain?
    You guessed it right..a Pea-noy sized brain!.
    3.) Why do Pinoys work as Nurses in America?
    Because Pinoys are Nurse-cissist!
    4.) Why can’t you find a a Smart Pinoy?
    Smart Pinoys live on Planet Earth. 🙂
    5.) You have a pen and 5 dollar bill, then Pinoy tribe comes in and wants to take them..What should you do?
    Scribble ”criticism” on 5 dollar bill because pinoys can’t take criticism.haha 🙂

    Corny Bonus jokes.

    What do you call a Jackass herding a flock of Sheep?
    “Duterte and followers”

    How do yu write in verbose ”DUTERTE Philippine President” but still has same meaning?
    D-dumb
    U-ugly
    T-tactless
    E-executive
    R-retard
    T-terribly
    E-elected Philippine President…

    What say you about Obama and Du?
    = Well, both are babboons-in-chief but the latter’s is ”going nowhere” the former’s is ”going down,down,down” headed for a painful fall.

    What say you of Pinoys being “They speak the same language, but you cannot communicate.”
    = Pinoys ”don’t realise” this,instead they ”don’t realize” this..meaning they don’t speak ”English”, they speak ”American”..haha get my drift? 🙂