Would You Like Some Coffee With Your Sugar

kopiko-austin-powersYou’ve all seen them. You know, those strips of sashes hanging in the SORRY SORRY stores 17 steps from your house? The ones you have to try to see in between while attempting to buy your San Mig Grande. 

You would think in a tropical country, coffee beans would be plentiful. Maybe they are. Seems “coffee” brands are buying them all up so they can mix 5% coffee with 95% brown sugar to make the gawd-awful sashes of over-sweetened, tasteless coffee that the Filipinos love so much.

Did Filipinos evolve from ants? Put a few sugar cubes in the corner of your carport or somewhere outside and watch the ants converge on them in a matter of minutes. These idiots have to make everything sweet as fuck. It’s like a bunch of children who would just eat candy and ice cream for every meal if you let them. Not only do their minds stop maturing around age 7, but their taste as well.  

And what isn’t sweetened beyond human consumption, tastes like warmed over food compost. You can’t even get a glass of iced tea (usually served with 2 ice cubes which melt in 5 minutes because the ice tea itself is not kept cold, but at room temp) without it being so mother fucking sweet that you can’t drink it. Even in the finest restaurants here, you’ll get the fucking Nestea mixed CRAP. Does anyone in FAILippines know how the fuck to BREW TEA AND COFFEE?

I swear to Joe Pesci, 95% of them have no idea that coffee is actually beans, and tea is actually leaves. 

Go to the most upscale hotel and order a cup of coffee. What do you get? A steel container of hot water, a coffee cup, a spoon (if you’re lucky, normally a wooden or plastic stirring stick), and a sashe of coffee flavored sugar.

“Excuse me, but I am diabetic (I’m actually not, but thought I’d have a bit of fun), I cannot have sugar. May I have brewed, plain, black coffee please?” 

“Sorry Sir, we don’t have.”

“You are wearing the finest made shirt and bow tie, you are using the finest silverware, the finest table linen, you have the finest china cups and saucers, but you don’t have brewed coffee to go in them?”

“Sorry Sir, we don’t have.”

“So nobody gets a choice around here? We all have to take our coffee with cream and 46.7 kilos of brown sugar? Personally, not only does this “brown coffee” look like shit, it tastes like shit too. How can you serve your customers shit? It’s one thing that it’s the same color as shit, and it’s even more disgusting that it tastes like shit.”

“Sorry Sir, dats de way everybody drink it.”

“Of course it is, BECAUSE IT’S THE ONLY CHOICE THEY HAVE, BESIDE NO COFFEE AT ALL, which is going to be MY choice. Have a nice day.”

“Sorry Sir”

“Yes, you are”


“Excuse me, there seems to be some kind of mistake, I wanted coffee, and it appears I got a sashe of coffee, but it seems to only be sugar and creamer. Could I have some coffee to go with this please?”


Go to SM or several other small appliance stores, and you can find coffee brewing machines. Now try to find the paper filters in the same store. Ain’t gonna happen. LOL!!!! Fucking idiots. So they sell coffee brewing machines in Cebu, but you can’t find any affordable coffee beans. Welcome to Philippines.

But I have my beans brought in from Bacolod City. They’re awesome, and way better tasting than Starbucks or any of these trendy coffee chains, at a fraction of the price. 

I have lived in Manila, Bacolod City, and Cebu. And they’re all morons, but Cebuanos take stupidity to whole new levels. From my observations, Cebu has the most idiotic people of all. 

Rant over.




Published in Filipino Customer Service, Filipino Stupidity, Humor, Rants


  1. Profile gravatar of Penance

    Right when I moved here, I got the coffeemaker with the reusable filter. I started on Barako (jet fuel!), and that’s where I stayed. When I go back to the states, I try the coffee there. It just makes me jittery. That’s it. One thing they got right here is the Barako. Fortunately, I’m in Barako country now.

    1. Profile gravatar of 30-30

      i just boil water in a pot,,,add pinch of salt,,,, one eggshell,,, add grounds to taste,,,,, boil,, add a little cold water to settle grounds,,,

  2. Profile gravatar of Pinay Lover
    Pinay Lover

    I was having the discussion with my wife about their coffee last night. I asked her, “why the heck to they drink that crap? Don’t they have real coffee!?” Her reply is that they can’t afford real coffee so that stuff sells better and real stuff is virtually non existent because nobody buys it.

    1. Profile gravatar of BLX2

      Davao coffee is not bad, but gives me the shakes. I get Folgers here, some supermarkets carry it as well as S & R. I don’t use the reusable filter that comes with the coffee makers, I just bought a few 200 packs of paper filters from Walmart with me, I think they were a $1 a pack.

  3. Profile gravatar of beameup

    A lot of good coffee grow up here above Baguio. I buy my beans at SM Baguio and grind them at home. Of course, most of it probably goes to export and that leaves the Cavite crap for domestic consumption. Massive amounts of sugar and creamer make that crap taste (barely) drinkable to the locals.

  4. Profile gravatar of beameup

    Fantastic coffee beans in Baguio. Majority of export beans from CAR (mountain provinces). I brought my own German coffee mill with me. Can’t find the filters, so I just bought a coffee press. I prefer the Sagada beans, but stay away from “Baraka” which is bitter robusta beans not fit to drink.

  5. Profile gravatar of FilamboredinthePH

    In some ways I’ve gone native when it comes to coffee drinking.

    Back in LA I was using a $300 Gaggia classic espresso machine alongside another equally expensive baratza conical burr grinder using only choice beans never more than a week old finely ground and tamped with an exact force of 25 lbs by hand. After making the double shot I’d also froth 2% milk to exactly 65C in a specialty pitcher I kept frozen at all times so that I could get a few extra seconds of frothing before the milk proteins started to expand thus making the most delicious creamy milk that I poured over my espresso shots.

    Now I go to the basement grocery store in my small city here in the visayas and snatch up nestle “Cappuccino” packets and call it a fucking day.

    1. Profile gravatar of Balikbayan Box
      Balikbayan Box

      Same here.

      I actually like the sachets of “coffee” they have here. It’s one of the few things they did right, they made it even easier to be lazy about coffee preparation.

  6. Profile gravatar of Don Quixote
    Don Quixote

    Yup I give up over there I just bring Moccona from Aussie,
    and a couple of times a week I go to the deli and have the bottomless, coffee mazarapping to the max, Belgium Brewed coffee
    I can live with Batangas Beans the Espresso blend, I find that the best.